


Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

by poisonangelmuse



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 09:47:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1300516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonangelmuse/pseuds/poisonangelmuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward Masen is a Grammy winner , that has been singing about The One that got away for the past 10 years. But what will he do after finding out she is not so far away anymore. A love story about the past meeting the present. B/E, HEA, Citrus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 – All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Hey There, this is the first chapter of my new story Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, based on John Mayer song. This story will be very different from my previous work, since it´s based only on the work of only one musician. This will have a Happy Ending and citrus, so be ready :)
> 
> Like always there will be many sets on Polyvore about this story. The link is here and on my profile!
> 
> www.polyvore.com/slow_dancing_in_burning_room/collection?id=2988924
> 
> Hope you all enjoy and let me know what you guys think.

**Prologue**

**EPOV**

 

_It always amazed me how the stage and the crowd always did bring the best of me. The mass of bodies, all joined together for their love to the music, all absorbed in that perfect moment when the lyrics and melody were embraced, in an astonished sync and balance.  How could my words mean so much for all of those people? Even if this was a crowd of faceless people, it wouldn´t matter, all that matter was the music._

_The melody was so familiar and yet so foraged._

_Here we were, me, my piano and thousands of people, together in this meadow. The sounds were so familiar, and yet I couldn´t actually put them together, but the melody had a sad sense on it. They were softly moving their hands up in the hair, lost in their own minds, the lyrics touching each one of their souls._

_It was one of those moments that looked like time had hold still, that the Earth had stopped moving, just so that little special moment could last a lifetime._

_The wind that was softly blowing, made the air seem lighter and the sun brighter, the colors of the wind dancing on the tress._

_My hands were moving softly, and the words seem to come out of my mouth, my voice in a gigantic chorus with the crowd. Yet I couldn´t hear myself._

_And then the time stopped and all I could see was dark auburn._

_She stood there, in the middle of the mass of bodies, shinning like Sun. The wind was blowing on her waist long auburn waved hair, she was all pale skin and soft curves, her smile so bright that could make a man blind._

#  _S_ he looked like an angel, with her long silk skirt, as blue as the sky that was above us, and a gray embellished cami crop top, together with a pair of turquoise earrings and necklace, she looked like an angel. The vision on the Oasis. The one and only thing I simply could not resist.

# She was softly dancing at the sound of the music, her hands moving up and down in the air, her eyes were closed and her smile was content. She looked at easy and peace.

# I just needed to touch her, just for a minute, before she could disappear again.

# Soon I left the dark wood piano bench, and grabbed my Fender Guitar, walking to the front of the stage, my fingers sliding over the guitar making sounds that I never heard before. She was truly my Muse.

# The song pick up on its tempo,  the bodies jumping up and down, dancing along with each new accord I created. They seemed to follow every word I sang, and even if I couldn´t hear myself, they sure could, their eyes filled with the same emotion I had when I first wrote this song.

# But like always, in the blink of an eye my Muse was gone, her empty spot still left in the middle of the crowd, like the eternal hole that she left on my soul the moment we said our goodbyes.

# All we ever do was say goodbye.

# I was tired of this, tired of being left with an empty spot, a bleeding heart and a hole so deep in my soul, that felt it would never be filled again. No matter how much I tried.

# I put my guitar down, and for some reason the music keep playing and the people continued dancing, even after I left the stage.

# I run as fast as I could through the long green grass, passing through the wild flowers and old trees, wondering where she could have gone.

# She was always gone, gone away from me.

# The sun was shining so hard, making hard for me to see, and yet I caught the sight of her blue skirt blowing on the wind. I run up the hill, fowling to anywhere she would go, I would follow her if that was what would make her be mine one more time.

# Suddenly she stopped in the middle of a wild field of white and purple wild flowers, and stood there, waiting for me. Never had she looked more perfect and flawless. Yet such perfection seemed so unreal.

# She held her hand so I could reach it with mine. Her pale and soft skin felt as velvet as the first time I touched them.

# “I had been waiting for you” she said with a soft smile, her hair going crazy with the way the wind was blowing it against her face.

# “I feel like I had been chasing you away forever” I told her, holding her face in my hands, seeing they become slightly red from the sun or my stare, I wasn´t sure. She used to blush all the time for me.

# “That’s because you have” she said with a small laugh.

# “Where have you been” I asked her, so scared that she would fade away one more time in my arms.

# “ I had been right here with you silly” she said, touching over my green plaid shirt , on the spot where my heart was.

# “I don´t want you to disappear again” I said, holding her so tight in my arms, that I was afraid it may end up hurting her.

# “ I won´t go anywhere, remember” she said, pointing to her ring finger on her left hand, where stood a platinum Vintage Art Deco diamond ring.

# I softly touched the ring, moving it between my fingers, seeing the pale skin under it, showing she had been wearing it for a while. She was engaged.

# “ When it´s going to be the big day’ I asked her, feeling my heart constricting inside my aching chest.

# “Why don´t you tell me silly, you are the one that doesn’t seem to get your head over a date. You know Edward you had only one responsibility on this, how could picking up a date to be so hard” she said with a smile.

# “Why would I do this” I asked confused.

# “Because you are a very bad fiancé” she said, before putting her arms around my neck, and giving me a deep kiss. My hands held her softly, my fingertips touching her cheek, my tongue softly meeting hers in this so familiar dance. It was like we never had been apart.

# But it had been years since this had last happened, ten years to be precise, so how could I be here, kissing the girl of my dreams, to which she said I was supposed to marry soon?

# This could only be a dream, I knew deep down I would never had that chance, not after ten years apart. We now had different life’s and lived in different worlds. We just didn´t belong together anymore.

# I wasn´t that 19 year old lost boy, that had two loves in his life, music and Isabella Swan.

# And I had asked her to come with me, to pick me, but instead she choose to leave me.

# “This is not right” I said, pushing her softly away from me.

# Her presence was to intoxicating, she still smelled like jasmine after a rainy night, and it was too much to me. I was overwhelmed of emotion. I loved her, I always had and probably always would. But she broke us, she was the reason we were not together anymore, the reason why I would never held her in my arms of feel her soft plump lips against my own.

# She would never be my girl again, not the one I was going to have children and grown old and grey together. She was nothing more than just a fantasy made of a broken heart boy.

# “Edward” she said with a pained look, trying to get me back, trying to hold me close to her.

# “No, this is not real, nothing of this is” I said, letting go of her hand and walking deep inside of the woods, letting her warm smile and lovely voice behind, calling my name, asking me to not leave her alone.

# But the thing was that she was the one that had left me alone in the first place.

# **

# I wasn´t that surprised when I woke up, and realized that it was nothing but a dream, one that I had been having more frequently on the past few months.

# Bella and I were old story, the classic boy meets girl, fall for her, she doesn’t give a crap about him, and in the end he makes the girl fall in love with him.  We weren´t together that long, we were very young and it was all very new for us. She was my first love.

# Having a major heartbreak at the young age of 19 years old probably helped making me a little more bitter, a loner and a better musician. My very first hit was about our breakup, actually my first album was mainly about her, about finding and losing the love of her life.

# Soon after Bella and I parted ways I end up making my dream come true, making my songs reaching the big crowd. The success did come a lot quicker than I expected and the success did make me lost my way for a while.

# The mixture of bad friends, too much money and success end up making me the exactly kind of man I hated and swore I never would be. I was an asshole for a few rough years, a mal slut and not a very good friend. But around three years ago it all changed, because I had a reason too, I found a new light in my life.

# I looked down at the right side of my bed and there she laid, wearing one of my old faded Chicago Bears t-shirt, her long waved blond hair all over her pillow, hugging tight on the covers. Meeting Megan had changed my life, I don´t know where I would be and how I would get through all the thing that I had been through for the past couple of years if wasn´t for her.

# Which I guess it´s way it always make me feel like such a shit person for having so many dreams about Bella. Bella was my past and Megan was my future, the ring on her left hand was a  prove of it, and yet my mind always brought Bella back to my life. She had been the major inspiration of my work for the past ten years, from love to sad songs, but it always made my chest ache after I wrote it.

# Looking at the clock I saw it was four in the morning, and knowing there were so more chance of sleep, I quietly left the bed trying my best to not wake Meg, after all she had come back from Los Angeles and was exhausted after weeks of shooting. She needed some good rest.

# I gave her a small peck on the top of her head and left the room, quietly closing the door after me.

# I went to the my music room, which was nothing more than a regular bedroom that had sound proof walls and some of my guitars, a place that was my sanctuary and that I was spending everyday more time on it. I grabbed one of my music notebooks, the one´s that had random ideas for future songs, and before I knew I had written down almost all the song.

# The soft melody that I heard on my dream was so clear in my head, that I soon had written it all down, only filing it with the lyrics that didn´t seem to get out of my head since the first time I had that dream. I had been trying to get the right words for the past couple of weeks, about what that could had meant, what she meant on it.

# Soon my hands were over the acoustic guitar chords, and a acoustic version of the song was born.

# Isabella Swan, the girl I loved when I was nineteen, the girl who had broken my heart had made me write another song about her.

# And I always wondered if she ever heard me sing.

# But that didn´t matter now did it? After all , all we ever did was to say goodbye.

 _Just when I had you off my head_  
Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed   
You say you wanna try again   
But I've tried everything but giving in   
  
Why you wanna break my heart again?  
Why am I gonna let you try?  
  
When all we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye   
  
I bought a ticket on a plane  
And on the time we landed, you'd go again  
I love you more than songs can say  
But I can't keep running after yesterday  
  
So...  
Why you wanna break my heart again?  
Why am I gonna let you try?  
  
When all we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye  
  
We say goodbye  
We say goodbye  
We say goodbye  
  
All we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye   
All we ever do is say goodbye


	2. Neon

EPOV

New Hampshire, 2003.  
Clint’s Pub

Like almost every week I was at Clint´s with my usual gig, I was part time waiter and part time performer, since I had to pay for my living somehow. Not that cleaning tables and serving drinks was my dream job, it was far from it, but the hours were flexible and it was an opportunity for me to put my music out there.  
When I first told my parents I wanted to be a musician, I was fifteen and they laughed it out, expecting it to the just a phase of my teenager years. But when I decided to attend the Berklee College of Music shit really hit the fan – my father was a prestigious lawyer back at Chicago and my mother an architect – being an artist for then was not a realistic occupation. They tried really hard to make me quit the idea, telling it would be ok to have a hobby, but that I needed a real plan for my future. It was an endless source of fights at my home, the only person to support me was my little sister Alice, which had artist dreams of her own.

So after years of discussions, we reached an agreement, if I would do a main major in something else, I could do my minor is arts or music. Since my parent´s would be the ones to pay for my way through college it didn´t seem such a bad idea at the time. I was an average student, but with my SAT and a generous donation on my parents name to the new library, I became one of many Dartmouth students. 

But what I didn’t expect was that me majoring in Economics would take so much of my free time, so much that I barely could dedicate myself to my real passion which was music, so after a semester I was ready to quit. I had very little time to practice, to write the lyrics that were always running through my head and to go deeper inside my major in Arts.

So when I told my parents I was thinking of quitting they threated to cut me off, that I would to get on my own two feet if I gave up college, so I told them to I wouldn’t give up, just do less classes. Off course they found out I was dropping all the politic and economic classes and attending only the arts, so let´s say my founds were also cut short after that.

It was on that moment that I decided to try to do things on my own way, so when I saw the add asking for waiter tables at Clint’s I didn´t think it twice. It was exhaustive but it paid the bills and at the time it was also a great way to meet new ladies. 

Clint’s was like most college bars, filled with drunk students, an always crowded and full of life. It had a Irish style, a European pub feeling, that most people that came here didn´t stop to appreciate. I like most students was a frequent costumer, always coming to watch a game with my friends and try to get a new hook up. But I never had imagined I would one day spend most of my free time working here. 

I still remember the day Clint came up beside me when I was cleaning the counter and asked me if I was the owner of that guitar case laying on the floor. I said yes, wondering if he would be to pissed to be for bringing it here after class, but he did surprised me asking me to fill out on the guy that was going to play that night.

That night I sat o that stall - only with my acoustic guitar and my voice - and for the first time people actually stopped to listen to me. I played an old cover of Stairway to Heaven, and soon I had a list of songs that people on the bar wanted me to sing. So once in a week I would put my waiter apron at side and grab my guitar and do the thing I most loved on the world. To play.

From once in week, it became twice and soon I played from Thursday through Sunday, for at least one hour. After a few months my small show that was filled with covers and orders from the audience, became mixed with my own writing, and after a while my songs were being sang by the crowd. I will never forget the feeling of euphoria that listening to them brought me.

It was in one of those night that my life changed for good.

**

I just had received a text of my girlfriend Bella saying she wouldn´t be able to come to see me play on the bar that night, since she had to stay late on the library to finish one of her English assays. She was very focused and dedicated, so she speeded more time studying than actually living her college experience, but she always said she was keeping her eyes on the prize, that one day all her effort would be worth it. So I guess we can say I was expecting her abscess in here, she even tried to come support me from time to time, but a noise college pub filled with drunk people wasn´t exactly her thing. 

I really wanted to show her my new song, I had finished it last night but she had fallen sleep before I could come home, and left before I had woken up. She worked part time on the library and spend the major of her time in classes, but I can´t complain, she still made enough time for us to be together, she just was to exhausted those past few days because of her final exams. Bella oppositely to me took college really serious, so she gave her blood to keep her scholarship. Her family was very simple, her dad a cop and her mom a pre-school teacher, and she still had a younger sister that was still in high school. So she couldn´t afford the risk of losing her one ticket to her success.

With Bella on my mind, I walked to the small improvised stage, that was close to the tables, on the opposite side of the bar. I took my acoustic guitar from its case, turned on the microphone, removed my leather jacket and sat on the dark wood stall. It was late, so the bar was at full swing, and some of my regulars were arriving with their beers to watch the show.

I took a sip of my Heineken, and put the guitar on my lap.

“Goodnight everyone, I am Edward Masen and I’ll be the entertainment tonight” I said, receiving claps and some screams from the crowd.

My fingers soon started to play the chords of the guitar, the sounds of my new song become to form, it was very complex performance with insane accords and catching lyrics. 

www(*)youtube.com(*)watch?v=AzsEzD2fVwE  
Neon  
When sky blue gets dark enough  
To see the colors of the city lights  
A trail of ruby red and diamond white  
Hits her like a sunrise

She comes and goes and comes and goes  
Like no one can

Tonight she's out to lose herself  
And find a high on Peachtree Street  
From mixed drinks to techno beats  
It's always heavy into everything

She comes and goes and comes and goes  
Like no one can  
She comes and goes and no one knows  
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like  
Neon, neon  
Neon, neon  
Who knows how long, how long, how long  
She can go before she burns away

I can't be her angel now  
You know it's not my place to hold her down  
And it's hard for me to take a stand  
When I would take her anyway I can

She comes and she goes  
Like no one can  
She comes and she goes  
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like  
Neon, neon  
Neon, neon  
Who knows how long, how long, how long  
She can go before she burns away  
Away

She comes and she goes  
Like no one can  
She comes and she goes  
She's slippin through my hands

She's always buzzing just like  
Neon, neon  
Neon, neon  
Who knows how long, how long, how long  
She can go before she burns away

The crowd was moving in the sync of the music, the girls were trying to look sexy shaking their bodies, the crowd clapping their hands on the rhythm of it and even if it was an acoustic version it caught the public attention. It would look great when I got the time to make a version for my guitar, and even work with the other instruments, like a good bass line and some drums.

It was a hit, people shouted and clapped at the end of the song, making me feel like I could fly. I decided to keep going with some covers from classic rock bands, like Queen and Bon Jovi. The chicks always digged the 80s song.

I played for another hald an hour, when I made a small break, to go take a leek and get a fresh beer from the bar. 

“Edward, you were amazing” Lauren, a regular at the bar said, trying to push her tits way to close to me for my liking.

“I love the new song” her friend with ginger hair said.

“Thanks girls, I am glad you are enjoying the show’ I said, trying to walk to the bar to get my beer.

“You so should try to make a record, don´t you think Amber’ Lauren said to ginger head.

“Totally” Amber said back with a smile, the girl looked sweet, but I could see that there was only air between her ears.

“Oh my, why had I never thought of that” I said with sarcasm, it wasn´t the first time people had tell me this. But it was really hard to get on the music industry, especially if you are in middle of New Hampshire.

“You know, you are a rock star, you so should be treated like one. And if you like, the three of us can make this night worth of one” Lauren said, trying to run her hands down my chest and look seductive.

“Ok ladies, it was great to chat with the two of you, but I got go to the man´s bathroom’ I said, removing Lauren from my personal space.

I left a very annoyed Lauren and a confused Amber behind me and walked to the bar to finally grab my beer.

“Rough groupies” Clint asked me with a smirk, handing me my cold Heineken.

“You have no idea, no matter how many times I say no, Lauren keeps coming back” I said annoyed, before taking a huge gulp of beer. Damm I was thirsty.

“They are right you know” a guy with a southern accent said.

“Excuse me’ I asked confused, looking down at the man beside me, tall, blond and young. Wearing flannel shirt, jeans and cowboy boots, he sure wasn´t from around here.

( set on my polyvore account – link on my profile page)

“Jasper Whitlock” he introduced himself, offering his hands for me to shake.

“Edward Masen” I said, shaking his hands.

“You were really great there, it’s that your composition” he asked, taking a slip of his burbon.

“Yeah” I said confused.

“I am sorry, I know I am being weird, but I work with music and I can say you can do amazing things out there” he said with a smile.

“And exactly what you work on” I asked him.

“I am a music producer. Here, take my card” he said, giving me a card.

“There is only your name and phone number on it” I said, wondering what this guy deal was.

“It´s an independent label” he said, finishing his bourbon.

“ How old are you? Twenty and something? I can´t imagine what kind of experience you may have” I said, feeling slightly disappointed.

“Well, till a few months ago I worked with Sony Music in Nashville, first I had an internship and then I started to scout new talents of country and blues artists” he explained.

“So, you worked for the country music branch of Sony” I asked shocked to actually be meeting somebody of the music industry, in here of all places.

“Yeah, for a few years, it was based on my sweet Nashville,Tennessee” he said smirking. 

“Are you from there” I asked with curiosity.

“No, I am from Dallas, Texas. But I moved there when I got my internship after college” he said, grabbing a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket.

“You can´t smoke here pal” Clint said to him, pointing to the no smoke sign on the wall.

“Fine” he said, getting up and leaving to smoke outside, leaving me hanging there.

“What are you waiting for kid? Go after the cowboy” Clint said, mentioning for me to go after Jasper.

“Hey there, wait” I shouted, running after him, and not finding him outside.

“Lost something kid” he asked me, coming from the side alley, with a cigarette on his lips, the smoke blowing against the wind on the cold night.

“I sure as hell hope not” I said, lighting a cigarette of my own.

“Do you have a manager” he asked me.

“No, why” I asked him.

“Then you sure as hell better find one kid, cause you got a gift, a real talent. I am not talking about just the voice, but also your skills on the guitar, and the appeal to get a crowd insane. You are the kind of musician that can send an entire stadium on fire” he said sounding excited, I never heard anyone talking like that about my work.

“Thanks” I said, lost in words.

“Let me tell you something, I am a producer to a small independent label, but I still got some hot contacts. If you want, we can go to LA and talk to my guy at Columbia Records” he said, finishing his cigarette and throwing it away.

“Wait, what” I asked, everything feeling to unreal to me.

“You got the talent to make it big Edward, the point is, do you want to” he asked me, leaving me to wonder alone by my own dreams, desires and doubts.

**

Seattle, 2013.

JW Music Inc - Jaspers Studio. 

I turned off the engine of my Audi R8, after parking it to the undercover garage of Jasper new studio. It was a nice small building with four floors and a garage for ten cars. It had a mix of modern and antique with the glass walls mixed with the red bricks. He had bought this place after he and Alice decided it was time to leave LA and go to somewhere they could start a family, without all the drama that Hollywood always brought to our life’s, and what a better place to start a JW Music Incorporation than the place Grunge was born?

( set on my polyvore – link on my profile)

For the past ten years Jasper and I had walked side by side, and since that moment he found me playing at Clint’s I always had him to cover my back. So when my life started to spin out of control, my voice was gone and so was he, I decided to follow him and my sister to Washington state.

I know it sounds ridiculous since all I wanted was to go to LA and make my dreams come true, make a record and play my music to as much people as possible. But fame has a price that sometimes is way too high. In the middle of the concerts, writing, recording , where also partying, sex and lots of alcohol. It wasn´t the best life style, especially if you make a living from your voice.

But I don’t regret my decision for even one second, after I left LA I felt like I was me again, the same Edward that cleaned tables at Clint’s, the only difference was that I had a few Grammys awards on my living room.

“Mr.Masen good evening” Tayler said, from the front desk.

“Night Tayler, is Jasper here” I asked him, hoping he would still be here even though it was pretty late.

“Yes sir, he is working on studio B” he said, looking from the computer screen.  
“Thanks” I said, walking up the stairs to the studio B.

Jasper had put all his heart and soul on this place, it had four separately studio rooms, so he could have a higher profit from more recording artists. It was a nice place, with a rich amber walls that gave the place a different glow. The recording space was very nice, inside it could fit a grand baby piano, drums, plus the guitars and bass. Because of it, it was comfy and always made me loss the notion of time when I was there.

I had been working the past three months on my sixth album, but so far I wasn´t very lucky on it, the lyrics were getting right with the melody and everything sounded a mess. Jasper had been very patient on me, especially since this one would be the first one since I lost my voice, and after many painful treatments with Botox on my vocal chords. My voice wasn´t the same as before, what frustrated me to no end, which also made my creativity blocked.

It was a disaster.

I opened the studio B door, to find Jasper over the recording table, trying to mix together all the sounds of the latest recording artist. It sounded like a mixture of punk and pop. It was awful.

“That’s crap” I said, sitting beside him, closing my eyes on the sound of the unturned guitar.

“ Yeah I know, but I got to make them look less shitty” he said, trying to change the volume of the bass.

“They are still shifty” I said, wondering how could this people have the guts to try to get to the market when they sounded like a drunk version of a garage band.

“They may be, but they will help me pay the bills” Jasper said, and I knew he was right, since he had lost many of his high paying clients when we left LA. Some were still pretty fitful and always came here, or Jasper would go to LA or NY to produce their music. But business were though, and in this economy, we couldn´t risk it.

“I am sorry Jazz” I said, feeling guilty for not being able to help, after all whitout a new album, there would be no money for my record deal.

“You know, your voice will come back to be like it was eventually. You are already way better, I mean, you can talk” he said, trying to cheer me up.

“Thanks for reminding me” I said with a sad smile, the last year had been shitty for my carrer.

“Sorry dude” he said with a apologetic smile.

“That’s ok” I said, I was already used to this talk by now.

“You look like shit” he said, shutting of the sound.

“Yeah, it´s been a rough week” I said, running my hands over my tired eyes.

“Still can´t sleep” he asked me, knowing how much I had been going insane over my lack of sleep.

“Yeah, those dreams men, I just can´t go back to sleep after it” I said, wishing that SHE would just vanish from my mind once.  
“The ghost of Bella is still hunting you” he said with sympathy.

“Even after all those years, she can still fuck up with me’ I said angrily, but I knew that it wasn´t actually her fault that my mind was twisted and still couldn´t let go of her memory.

“Have you told any of this to Meg” he asked me.

“And say what ‘ Hey I love you, you are my fiancé, but I can´t stop dreaming about my ex’ no thanks” I said with sarcasm.

“Maybe you need to talk to Bella, get some closure, maybe finally then you would get some peace of mind” Jasper said with a calming voice, he and his Buddhist crap, always trying to make me see the other side of things.

“Nha, there is nothing left to say, I just need to get some good sleep. Maybe I need to make another visit to Dr.Harris” I said with a shrug, maybe some sleeping pills would solve all my problems.

“Whatever you say man” Jasper said, understanding that I really didn´t want to wasn’t more time talking about her.

Even if I wanted to leave Bella buried on my past, where she belonged, I just couldn´t let go of that song. Even if it was about her, or at least inspired by her constant presence on my nightmares, it was the first decent song I had wrote in the past few months. 

When I lost my voice I was to depress to even think about writing, so I just stay hiding on my apartment playing my guitar and trying to pretend that nothing was wrong. I spent way to long in denial, and losing so much time. I didn´t want to lose more time, and I sure as hell didn´t want to make Jasper lose his.

“I may have something” I said to him, grabbing the folded white paper from my back pocket.

“What is it” Jasper asked with curiosity.

“Something I came up a few nights ago” I said, handing him the paper with the lyrics and melody written on.

“Midnight inspiration” he asked me, while running his eyes though the paper.

“More a nightmare inspiration” I told him, expecting anxiously for his opinion.

“Wow” he said, smiling, grabbing his guitar and trying to make the melody come to life.

“So, what do you think” I asked him.

“ I think Bella may had inspired you one more time” he said, making small arranges on the song.

“Who said it was about her” I said to him, not wanting to admit she was being once again my Muse.

“What is about her” a feminine voice from behind me. Shit.

“Hey baby” Jasper said, getting up to give her a kiss.

“ I knew if I didn´t come here to get you , you would never go home, you are working way to much Jazz” she said, running her hand through Jasper messy hair.

“Love you to Ally” I said with sarcasm, since she essentially ignored my presence.

“ Grown up brother” she said, coming and giving me a peck on my right cheek.

“Me and Eddie boy were just trying to work on some new songs for his record’ Jasper said with a happy look.

“That´s nice to hear, I was thinking you were losing your touch Edward” she said with a melodic laugh.

“First of all, Eddie really? Fuck you, you know after ten years this shit gets old. Secondly, I did not lost my touch, I was just on an artistic hiatus” I said to my annoying little sister.

“Really? I was thinking it was more like a life crisis kind of thing” she said to me.

“ Baby come on, leave your brother alone, or you know how he will get” Jasper said, grabbing his things to leave.

“We are heading to have some dinner, why don´t you and Meg come with us” Alice asked me.

“Yeah, that would be nice” I said to her, grabbing my jacket from the back of the chair.

“We can work on that song tomorrow” he said, and in that moment I knew that things would be ok.  
Even if it was not like the way I wanted, I got my Muse back, and this time I couldn´t let it go.

**

A/N: Hope you all like it and keep reading! Thanks so much for all your love and support! It means the world to me!

Lots of love for LeKat my awesome beta and for TeaForTulips for being my pre-reader! Love you girls!

Stay tuned for more!

xx


	3. Edge Of Desire

**  
BPOV  
The sound of the twitching sheets and the mattress slowly moving, with a now left empty side, woke me up before the alarm clock could ring. The soft early morning light brought a faint light though the part opened curtains. The shadow of Matts back danced through my still sleepy state, while he walked to our bathroom to go have his morning shower.

  
I looked to my side table, it was 6:45 am and my first day at work.

  
Feeling much more awake, I pushed the bed´s cover aside and got up from the bed, stretching my tense muscles.

  
I fully opened the curtains, made the bed and went to pee. Matt had left the door opened, and after almost five years together and two living together, peeing while he took a shower in the same bathroom wasn´t such a terrible thing. I needed to get ready anyway and he was taking too long. Besides I was too lazy to go use the guest room bathroom or the downstairs bathroom.

  
After finishing, I went to wash my hands and my face, my hair was a mess so I put it on a messy bun while .

  
Matt was in a good mood, slowly singing a song in the shower, and even if he was a terrible singer it was nice to see him relaxed.

  
I walked back to the bedroom and Max was still laying down on his puffy plaid pillow bed and yawned at the sight of me. Yeah, even my dog knew it was way early to get up.

  
“Morning Max” I said, slowly caressing his black and white fur.

  
He got up from his bed, stretching his black and white legs, his long tale moving from one side to the other. He slowly licked my hand, happy that I had woken up.  
“Come on boy, let´s get you some food” I said to him.

  
I walked down the stairs with Max right behind me, I opened the backyard door so he could go on and make his morning business on the grass yard. I put new water and dog food to Max and went to start the coffee machine. I grabbed a cup of orange juice and was taking a long gulp of it when Matt walked down the stairs. He was gorgeous as always, his very expensive black Gucci wood suit fitted him to perfection, he was wearing black shinny shoes and his blond hair was still wet from his shower.

  
“Morning baby” he said, softly kissing me on the lips.

  
“Morning” I said, wondering how he could be such a happy person in the morning.

  
“Hey buddy” he said, laying down on his knees, scratching behind Max´s ear, making him bark and jump of happiness. Those two were the on the morning time, while I was still recovering from my lack of good sleep.

“ I need to get ready” I said to him, looking down at my pajamas.

  
“Go take a shower and I will get breakfast ready” he said with a smile.

  
I went bad to my bedroom, deciding to try to look professional, so I grabbed my new grey Donna Karan hemp draped jersey dress with Giuseppe Zanotti cutout peep toe sandals. I took a quick shower, washing my hair and then drawing it, leaving is straight, it was tick auburn and run till my breast. I finished with my silver chandelier earrings, a soft brush, some eyeliner and red lipstick.

“Wow you look nice” Matthew said, putting a plate of scramble eggs and toast in front of me at the breakfast bar.

“Thanks, I wanted to look good for my first day” I said with a smile, eating my breakfast, while Max sat beside my chair waiting for me to give him something.

“You look way to good, I hope those graduate students know to respect you” he said to me.

“I am sure I will be fine, besides it won´t be my first time, I did assist Dr. Scott for almost two years you know” I said with a shrug, remembering of my ex box, that had retired a few months ago and recommended me to replace him.

“Yeah, as his PhD student , not as the primer professor” he said with worry.

“Honey, it´s English Literature in the University of Washington, I think we can assume it will all be ok” I said to him, trying to reassure him that everything would be ok, he did worry too much.

“Ok, just call me if you need me ok” he said with a smile, then finishing his own coffee.

Max was on my feet, barking and shaking his tail, desperate for me to give some food. I must admit from time to time I may give him something as a treat, but he had to eat his own food and not mine.

“No Max, you have your food there” I said, pointing to the dog food.

“ Give the poor guy a break” he said, before throwing Max a piece of toast. Obviously he got the peace on the air, eating it quickly and then moved to sit next to Matt.

“ You pamper him too much” I said, taking a sip of my coffee.  
“That’s why he loves me’ he said with a smile.

“You are baying my dog´s love with food” I said laughing.

“Our dog” he said, before giving me a passionate kiss goodbye.

“I have to go to the court, I will see you tonight. Good luck baby’ he said, before patting Max on the head, grabbing his leather briefcase, his files , car keys and leaving for the day.

I let Max to the large backyard, it had a large portion of grass, a barbecue area and a nice garden, with old trees and flowers. The garden was one of the many reasons I fell in love with this house.

The house was a Sleek new modern in prime Piney. It had impressive open floor plan, with walls of windows flood the home with light. The Gourmet kitchen had quartz counters and stainless appliances. The Rich hardwoods gave a lot of charm and style to the house, also with custom steel railings, gorgeous tile work and a very nice sleek fireplace. It had also a media room on ground floor opens out to large entertainment patio. With three bedrooms and 2 and half bathrooms, it was my dream house, one that maybe one day I would raise my kids. It was light and open, with a great backyard for Max to play during the day while me and Matt were out working.

I put some water and food for Max on the outside porch, made sure he had enough for the day, played a little bit with him and went to work.

Since I lived on 301 NW 76th St in Seattle, I decided to take my car to the Campus instead of going with the subway like I did in the past. It took me only 14 minutes to get there with my Prius instead of the normal 35 that I was used with the subway. It had its perks going with my car, but I hated to try to find a nice spot to park, and even if I drove a hybrid car, it made me feel guilty, since the only reason for me to drive today was that I didn´t want to mess my new dress and wear heels on my first day. I felt stupid and shallow, and promise myself I would try to go more with public transport then with my own car. I would try to compromise.

The drive was quick and soon I was walking on the building of the Department of English. I had been spending a lot of time in here for the past few years. I first decided to move from New Hampshire to Seattle when I got an interest on the Master Degree program. Around 2009 I was officially working with Dr. Richard Scott, one of the most brilliants minds I ever had the pleasure of meeting. He was a very pleasant man around his sixty years old, who had too much time to dedicate to English Literature after his wife passed away. He treated me like I was his own daughter, and we build a nice relationship that evolved from teacher and student, to coworkers and then friends.

When I finished my PhD last year, I started to look for job opportunities in other places, maybe a position in a community college, when he did surprised me by saying he was retiring and moving to live with his daughter and grandchildren on Colorado. Not only that, but he had recommended me to be the one to replace him. Initially I said that it was a honor, but that I was lacking in experience to handle an entire class on undergraduate students, that I had more theory than practice, and he should find someone more qualified and experience. He brushed me off and said that I was perfect for the job, since I believed I wasn´t, that my humble was a very nice trait to see but was unnecessary. I had been assisting his classes for a while, helping with research, to prepare the lectures and grade the papers. He had faith in me and apparently so did the university, since I had been hired to do the job.

So here I was, at 29, walking inside the so familiar lecture hall. It was the same as always, the pitched floor, so that those in the rear are sat higher than those in the front, allowing then to see the lecture. The wood chairs, the dark board and my own desk in the front row.

I put my purse and my leather case on the top of the table. I took out my Mac computer, and plugged it so the projection system would be ready for the class. I also brought some books to start the class and my own notebook with random notes about discussion topics to get through the next few classes.

Soon the mass of students started to walk through the double doors of the lecture hall, each one choosing their sits, more in the back of the class, but some right on the front row. I gave them a minute to fill the class, and to get themselves settle, and after a few minutes I was ready to start my first class.

Everything would be ok, I just needed to remind myself of it.

“Good morning everyone, I am Isabella Swan and for this semester, I will be your professor of English Literature 101. I hope you all enjoy it, I am sure I will” I said, before turning on my computer and starting my power point presentation.

Everything would be just fine, I gave up way to much so I would be where I am today and I wouldn´t let my insecurity’s get the best of me, not again.

**

After a few introductory classes and a meeting with my post graduate students about their research’s, the day went faster than I expected, and I found myself stuck in the rush hour traffic in Seattle. That was one of the many reasons I rather take the subway than my car, bit that´s ok, it was worth the trouble so I could take my time in my first day as an official professor of UW.

It was already dawn, so the sky was filled with reds, oranges and blues, it was a lovely day, one of the few warm days that were left this year. Soon the Autumn would come and all the leaves would get their brownish tone and would soon fall. The snow would be everywhere and the days of laying in the soft grass would be over for a few months.  
Lost in my own thoughts I didn´t realized which music was playing on the radio. It had been a while since I found myself surprised to hear his music, I didn´t heard much radio, I was always on my Ipod and not driving and listening to the radio stuck on my car in the middle of heavy traffic.

When this kind of thing happened I just would change the station or even shut off the radio. To hear his velvet voice became way too much for me to bare over the years, it was just something’s that hurt too much to remember, and his success and constant appearances on TV and music stations were just torture to me. Especially in the beginning of his career when his first album was filled with hurt and broken hearted songs.

When he was asked about who were those sad songs he would always denied it was about him and some past girlfriend, he would just say it was a story he build, that he was a story teller, and his voice was a character. He was the happy, lay back kind of guy, the one who dated actress, singers and models. He never once mentioned his past life, never said I was his first real girlfriend, and neither that I was the reason he got such a sad soul and broken heart.

At the beginning I was filled with sadness and guilty, for choosing a different path, one that I had been fighting so hard to achieve, one that eventually would lead me away from Edward.

But I feel in love with Edward Masen Cullen, the 19 years old college student that cleaned tables at Clint´s, not Edward Masen, Grammy winner and rock star. I didn´t even knew this Edward. Not this party asshole that loved to talk about his past sexual encounters on magazines and loved to exposed himself to the media. The last time I saw him, he was being chased by paparazzi’s while walking out of a LA restaurant with his new girlfriend, a blond actress that I had saw one time at a TV series. He had been reclused for the past one year and half, the gossip magazines would say he went to rehabbed in Switzerland or that he moved to a recluse place like Montana, to hide from the life style that he said he hated so much.

It had been a while since he released a record, I know this because I bought all of them, they were all in a box deep inside my closet, filled with sad memories from a different past with Edward by my side. The records were still closed with the wrapper plastic, intact, for the past few years. It always felt like cheating to hear his voice and let all those memories got back to me, especially since I had been together with Matthew for the past five years.

But today felt different, I really wanted to let his words wash me, warm me from the inside, melting over my skin. His voice were always so beautiful, melodic, like velvet running down your soul. He was a brilliant guitar player also, he had a deep love for blues, which pushed him to be the best guitar player he could be. I heard he was considered one of the bests of this generation, he sure deserved the title, he had worked very hard for it. This was his dream, to touch people with his words, to his art to reach the most people possible, to give them some happiness and peace through music.  
I raised the volume of the radio, focused on his sweet words , this song had a special meaning to me. It was from his third album, and always made me think that maybe he did think about us from time to time. That maybe he did miss me, and that the memory of me didn´t just brought anger and sadness, but always a small happiness. That our story wasn´t just a bad memory, but something to be cherished and hold to you with love.

A part of me always would love Edward, the part of me that was still that lonely 19 year old girl far away from home.

Edge Of Desire  
Young and full of running  
Tell me where's that taking me?  
Just a great figure 8 or a tiny infinity

Love is really nothing  
But a dream that keeps waking me  
For all of my trying  
You still end up dying  
How can it be?

Don't say a word  
just come over and lie here with me  
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see  
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
There I just said it  
I'm scared you'll forget about me

So young and full of running  
all the way to the edge of desire  
Steady my breathing, silently screaming  
"I have to have you now"  
Wired and I'm tired  
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor  
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis  
and find me on yours

Don't say a word  
just come over and lie here with me  
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see  
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
There I just said it  
I'm scared you'll forget about me

Don't say a word  
just come over and lie here with me  
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see  
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
There I just said it  
I'm scared you'll forget about me

**  
Dartmouth, New Hampishire – 2003

I was rushing through the hallway , late like most days, after working way to late in the library. I hated the morning shifts , it always made me late for class, and this was the first week of my second year at the Dartmouth College, my dream coming true.  
Since I was fifteen years old I had dreamed of the day I would be walking through those walls. I had worked part jobs, saved the most I could, and worked my ass off through High School for the possibility to win a scholarship. I barely lived my teen years, always focused in learning the most I could, and trying to do some summer curses in the community college of Phoenix.  
My love for books and literature were always there, since my dad used to read me to sleep when I was a little girl, to when my grandma gave me my first version of Pride and Prejudice, my love for words and stories only got bigger when I got older. So when I read about the Department of English in Dartmouth University, I knew that was where I wanted to go. I would be the first in my family to attend an Ivy League college and failure was not a possibility.  
My dad was a little bit against it at the time, the campus was in the other side of the country, and he feared for his shy little girl to go face the big bad world all by herself. My mother was excited, wishing me to finally starting living my life and not just reading about it. So when I got my acceptance letter and was offered my scholarship, it was the happiest day of my life.  
I was soon living in New Hampshire, working part time on the university library, and spending my free time studding, reading or hanging out with my best friend and roommate Angela. I abstained myself from the parties and the crazy college lifestyle, it was just not for me, I was happier reading a new book then drinking till I passed out in somebody else lawn. Angela and her boyfriend Ben always tried to convince me to go out with them, meet new people, try to live up a little bit. But I just wanted to focus on my studies and on my future career, finding myself a boyfriend was the farthest thing on my mind.  
**  
When I finally reached the lecture room, many people were already sat and since I didn´t knew most of them, nor the teacher, I just decided to test the waters and found a seat on the back of the class.  
I took my books from my purple backpack, and grabbed my notebook to take notes, put on my pair of glasses and waited for the lecture to start. I was watching people from afar, seem some faces that looked somehow familiar, but if it was from seeing them on campus or at the library. I looked at my left, and two seats after me there were the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen in my life.  
He was wearing dark jeans, a tight black t-shirt with a flannel shirt over it with the cuffs rolled up and dirty combat boots over his feet. He had long legs, and I could see his strong forearm through his shirt, his skin was very pale, his hair had the strangest tone, a mix of brown and red, perfect lips and a square jaw, but the best thing were his eyes. He had the most amazing green eyes I had even seen, and those same green eyes were staring back at me.  
( set on my polyvore account – link on my profile )  
Feeling mortified to being caught checking him out, I looked quickly to the other way, my cheeks getting red with embarrassing. Never had I felt more stupid, it was not like I had never seen a gorgeous guy before, I was no innocent virgin. I had a quick physical relationship with my best friend Jacob back at Phoenix, he was hot and didn´t expect much at return; he knew how focused I was at getting in a good college, and that I had no time and neither desired a serious relationship, but at the same time I wasn´t opposed for us to let some steam together. It worked at the time, the whole friends with benefit kind of thing, but since I had come to here I hadn´t tried to pursue nothing like it. So after months since I had last had sex, being it the last time I had gone to Phoenix to visit my family, I can say I was sexually frustrated.  
I tried to hide my embarrassed the best I could, I let go of my hair bun, letting it fall over my face, making a curtain between me and the sexy stranger in flannel. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn´t even realized the class had already started.  
The moment I heard the professor giving the lecture, I was pretty sure I gotten myself in the wrong class room and was losing my first class of the semester. I looked around, and everybody was taking notes, while the Professor showed some projections about economics and some charters with data, things I had no idea about. Suddenly the Professor started to make questions to random students, and if those did not respond, let’s just say it was not pleasant to be that student.  
I tried to pretend to be writing down everything he was saying, so he would not target me at his cruel inquisition, but of course that it would not work, and soon he was directing me a question about Market.  
“I beg your pardon” I said, to stunned to actually comprehended the question.  
“I asked you Ms” the old, bald, dressed in a fine dark suits asked, wanting to know my name.  
“Ms.Swan, Isabella Swan” I said in a small voice.  
“Ms. Swan, what I wanted to know is, which are some current issues to do with the free market?” he asked me, waiting for an answer, while the entire class room turned to my direction, quietly waiting for my answer.

I was to stunned, I had no idea what the answer was, I rather despised those topics, finding those boring and not appealing at all, so being asked about it, in front of almost hundred strangers was quiet a unpleasing answer. I could see the professor walking up the , coming to my direction and he was ready to give me a mean comeback, about my lack of knowledge when I heard a velvet voice speaking.

“Manipulation, Free Riders, Insiders and Pyramid Schemes” I head him saying to the professor.

“ Very well, Mr” he said, waiting to know the name of the man who gave the right answer.  
“Edward Cullen” I heard him saying, knowing that my savior of public humiliation, was also the gorgeous Adonis I had been obsessing over the past half an hour.

“Good Mr. Cullen, at least one of you has been paying attention, but I guess it does makes sense for a English major to not understand economics” The Professor said, now standing right next to me, grabbing one of the books I had out of my backpack, my copy of The complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe.

If I thought I was mortified before I was wrong, the man was excruciating, I just wanted to dig a hole and hide inside it.

“I suggest Ms. Swan, that you take your books and try finding the right class room, before you lose more time than you already had” he said, throwing the book on the seat right next to me, in a dismissing mode.

Feeling my cheeks become even more red, I quickly grabbed my things, put them in my backpack and rushed out of the lecture room and away from that terrible man. I ran through the halls, almost falling flat on my ass after almost missing a step, and finally found the right classroom.

I was ready to forget that horrible class.  
**  
When I went to work the next morning I realized that I had lost more than just my pried yesterday at that horrible economics class, I had lost also my employer badge, and couldn´t get my pass through the restrict areas of the library.

The Baker Memorial Library of Dartmouth College was a dream coming true. The smell of leather books, mixed with the dark wood panel walls and the antique wood desks and chairs was my personal peace of heaven. The college was founded in 1769 and yet this library was opened in 1928 with a collection of 240,000 volumes. The facility was expanded in 1941 and in 1958 and received its one millionth volume in 1970. It was one of the most amazing places I had ever been, and working here had been a joy in my life since last year.

“I am so stupid” I moaned, working through the front desk of the library.

“ We can give you a knew badge, it will just take a few days” Mr. Cooper , the head librarian said.

“I am not that irresponsible you know, I don´t know how I could had lost it, I am sure I put it in my bag yesterday” I said, feeling like an idiot for losing it. Now some random stranger could have access to the library at any time. Only God knows what those college jerks would do in here with it.

“Bella, you are over reacting, I am your boss, and I say it´s ok. Those things happen” she said, checking back some books that had been returned.

“Not with me, I am not careless” I said, receiving a return of a Calculus book from an Asian guy.

“ I know you are, you are a very responsible young lady, I mean you even come working when you are sick and should be in bed. But you got to let it go ok? Now do me a favor and go put those back in their place” she said to me, mentioning the now filled book carrier.

“Fine” I said, getting up from the front desk and grabbing the book carrier and walking through the library different sections, putting back the books where they belonged.

I was putting back a book about the civil war in the American History section when I felt someone touching my naked right shoulder from behind. Off course the small touch send shivers down my spine, and almost made me fall flat on my ass, since I was caught deep in thought. I caught my balance back and turned around only to find the pair of deep green eyes that I had found myself lost yesterday.

“Are you ok” he asked me with a smile.

“I am fine” I said, putting other book in the same section.

“I am sorry to bother you, but the main librarian told me I could find you in here” he said, scratching the back of his head with embarrassing.

“Did she” I asked with suspicion, of what he could possibly want with me?

“Yeah, hum I don´t know if you remember me, I am Edward we watched a lecture together yesterday” he said, pushing his brown leather backpack over his right shoulder.  
“Off course, how could I forget such a humiliate hour of my short life” I said with sarcasm, pushing my glasses back at place.

“Trust me, it wasn´t so bad, last semester he did make a girl run crying out of the room” he said with a small grin.

“I see, so he is known for being an asshole who likes to arras people” I said, pushing the chart over the long hallway of bookcases.

“Pretty much, I just couldn´t let you be his first victim, he has a thing to terrorize pretty girls” he said, handing me one of the books of the chart, so I could put it back at its place.

I pretended I didn’t noticed the pretty girl comments, but inside my inner diva was going a hula dance in happiness.

“Thanks I guess, I just should had taken off when I realizes it was not my Introducing to Classic Poems class. But I was too terrified of him noticing me to leave” I said with a shrug.

“Yeah, that class sucks anyway” he said running a hand over his amazing hair.

“Sorry for you to have to listen to it through another semester” I said back to him.

“Yeah, hum anyway, that’s not exactly why I came here” he said, opening his backpack and looking for something inside.

“Why did you came then” I asked him, not looking at him.

“You let this drop from your bag yesterday, I thought you might need it” he said, handing to me my lost library employer badge.

“Oh my God! Thanks so much” I said to him, giving him an unexpected hug, one that I wasn´t even sure how id ended up happening since I was never this forward to estrangers. What the hell was happening to me?

“No problem” he said with a small smirk.

“Hum, well, I have to finish this, thanks one more time. See ya” I said in a demising tone, pushing the cart to the next book section I needed to go.

“Bella, wait” he said, running after me and receiving evil glares from the people who needed the peace and quiet to study.

“What” I whispered, going to the Art section.

“ I just, well I was wondering if you want to get a coffee with me sometime’ he asked me .

“Hum, I don´t know” I said to him, totally shocking us both with my answer.

“Well is that an yes or a no” he asked with a small laugh.

“I am not sure, I mean you seem like a nice guy, and I really appreciated for helping me yesterday and bringing my badge today, but I am not the kind of girl you are looking for” I said, not even looking at him, just focusing at putting the books in their right places.

“And what exactly kind of girl I am looking for” he asked with a defiant smile, crossing his arms over his chest, making his arms muscles look so much sexier than before.

“Well, the easy one, that doesn’t care about much besides fucking you. I am not that girl” I said, totally shocking him with my words.

“So that’s ‘what you think of me? Of what I want with you” he asked, like he was offended, and while I knew I was ok looking I also knew I wasn´t sex on legs. Maybe he wasn´t even attracted to me, maybe he got sorry for me and just wanted to be nice.

“What you do or who you rather do, is your business, I am just trying to do the right thing and not let you waste your time” I said, not letting him even respond, I grabbed my badge and opened the section for employers only, leaving him alone in the middle of the library.

But to my surprised that was not the end of it, through the next few weeks he made sure to appear almost every day at the library. Sometimes he was alone and sometimes with a group of friends, I supposed he could be studying like most of the people who came here, as well doing research or just enjoying an old good book. But every day before he left he would come over and do small talk.  
I would lye if I said I didn´t enjoy the company and that I wasn´t flatter that such a hot guy seemed to be trying to get my attention. But he wasn´t just a hot guy, he was smart, caring and polite. We learned we shared many passions, as books and music, and also a love for dogs. Each day I saw him, I wanted to know more and to spend more time with him, but I knew it was pointless, we just didn´t belonged together.

One day after my Friday afternoon shift finished, I was tired, and in a really bad mood. That day I hadn´t seem Edward, and maybe after all those weeks trying to pursue me and no results he had given up. Probably he was with a blond bombshell, one that was smart and hot, maybe even rich, someone more like him. It was probably for the best.

I was living the library, hugging my coat closer to my body, it was October and much more colder than I was used to. Having grown up in Phoenix, I wasn´t very accustom with the cold and snow that would come soon. As I walked down the rock stairs I found Edward sitting there, with two containers of hot coffee and a brown paper bag beside him.

“Hey” I said shocked to find him there.

“Hey, I was starting to wonder if you would ever get out of there” he said with a smile, while I sat next to him on the library outside staircase.

“Had you been waiting long” I asked him.

“Just a few minutes, here take it” he said to me, giving me a coffee.

“Thanks” I said, smiling at him for thinking about bringing me a hot beverage.

“I just thought you might like having some company in a Friday night” he said with a shrug, taking two muffins from the brown paper bag.

“That’s very thoughtful of you” I said, taking the muffin. It was my favorite, blueberry, it was delicious.

“It’s no big deal” he said, before taking a big sip of his coffee.

“And why exactly did you think I needed company? I may have a date and you don´t know about it” I said angrily, I might be a loner, but he didn´t need it to throw it at my face.  
“I may know you for just a few weeks, but I know you are essentially a hermit ” he said with a small laugh.

“That’s not true, I go out all the time” I said annoyed.

“Going to classes and to work doesn’t count Bella” he said with a big laugh.

“God, why do you have to be so sweet and such an asshole at the same time” I said frustrated with him.

“That’s all part of my charm” he said giving me a wink.

“And don´t you have somewhere to be? Or rather inside someone” I said with malice, since I knew about his past hook ups with some girls he told me about, while talking about his party face at freshman year.

“I am exactly and with who I want to be” he said, looking right at me, his eyes never leaving my own.

“Really” I asked him, feeling my heart beat faster with all the deep emotions running over me.

“Really” he said, before his lips slowly descending on mine.

He tasted like coffee and his lips fitted with my own in the most perfect way. Never I had felt something like this, something so true and deep. I felt like my entire body was on fire, the shivers running down my spine, it was magnificent. His hands were on my waist, my own on his hair, we moved in perfect sync and I knew I wouldn´t be able to let him go now. It felts like he was made just for me, my equal, the one I had been waiting so long for.

**

I think we can say that everything else was history, how we end up together and then fell apart. That was the day I knew I was in love with Edward Cullen and all I had wanted since then was for him to be mine. And he was, for a while, till I lost him forever.


	4. Love Song For No One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ( Link to the Edward´s and Meg´s condo - www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/1521-2nd-Ave-98101/unit-3701/home/39611415 )

 

**EPOV**

**Seattle, 2013.**

I woke from another restless night of sleep, dreams of brown and a life I didn´t knew had been hunting me for the past six months, the guilty of been dreaming of another woman was getting to me. My fiancée didn´t deserve to know of my sick obsession about the other woman that I had once loved. Yet I couldn´t stop writing about her, since I let the words and melody flow free, they were all about her again. I knew it was wrong, but after being so long without being able to write a decent song or even create a nice melody , I just couldn´t stop.

I had been staying late in the studio with Jasper, working as hard as I could to finish my sixth album, which meant I was staying out a lot, and I knew I was neglecting my relationship with Megan. I had come home past midnight, to find her curled on my side of the bed, wearing one of my old t-shirt and holding my pillow against her chest. I didn´t want to hurt her or shut her down, but even though I felt dirty for writing about another woman, I just couldn´t find the will to stop it. So yes, I was leaving the girl I loved at the side for the one I had loved more than ten years ago.

It had took me three glasses of scotch and a long shower to be able to face those light blonde locks and not feel guilty to lay beside her at our bed. She was too great for me, I knew this, I always knew it since the first time I saw her. Yet it didn’t stop me for trying to peruse her, and here we were after all that time.

So when I woke up the next day with the sheets rolled around me, trapping me on the bed and the left side was empty and cold, and even through the curtains were shut, I knew it was pretty late, I still felt the worst person on the planet. I felt like I had been cheating on her, and I knew if she knew the truth it would break her heart, but I couldn´t bear the thought of losing any of them. So like the selfish bastard that I was, I kept Bella´s dreams as my dirty little secret.

I rolled out the bed, feeling the weight of those scotches on the pounding on my head, and went to look for some Advil on the medicine cabinet. I took two, and a glass of water, then went to have a very in need waking shower. I decided I would try to make up to my girl today, so I decided to get some comfortable clothes and see what she wanted to do today.

I walked barefoot down our condo hallway to the main room, a large area, where the living room, kitchen and dining room all stood together, mixed with the steel and glass walls. The apartment was modern and spacious, with cream colored walls and light wood floor. It was the space and the view that did sell it to me, Meg wanted to go for a house, but I wanted to have a little more privacy and stay closer to the city. Besides, the view of the Elliott Bay  was amazing, the large balcony was a great place to stay in warmer nights. So for the past one year and half the condo on Belltown in Downtown Seattle had been our home.

And there she was, softly singing to herself, looking lovely with her blonde hair half pulled up, wearing her glasses, a pair of short jeans shorts and her old blue The Little Mermaid that I had gotten her the first time we had gone to Disney Land. My girl was a Disney fanatic, one of the many things I always thought it was so sweet about it.

**( set on my polyvore account – link on my profile )**

The kitchen grey marble counter was filled with different kinds of ingredients, from flour to spinach, oils, chocolate, eggs and mushroom. And to my great surprise there she was, covering what seemed a cake with a generous dark chocolate cover and some white on top of it. My fiancé was barefoot in the kitchen, baking, looking gorgeous and happy. What did I do to deserve such an amazing woman by my side I would never know.

She turned to look for something inside the large fridge, so I thought it was my time to make my presence known. I quietly walked behind her, putting my arms tightly around her waist while kissing her neck.

“ Morning baby” I said, softly kissing the pale skin of her neck.

“Edward, God you almost scared me to death” she said out of breath.

“Maybe if you wasn´t so lost in your own little world, you would had seen me coming” I said laughing at her, since I knew she wasn´t really mad at me.

“I wasn´t lost, I was concentrated” she said, grabbing a plastic box filled with cherry’s and closing the refrigerator door.

“  Don´t you look way to good when you get all mad and flustered” I said, softly kissing her on the lips, softly pressing her body over the closed fridge door.

“ As much as I would love to continue this, I have to take our lunch out the oven” she said, biting my lower lip and then softly pushing my body away from hers.

“Lunch” I said confused, looking at the kitchen clock and seeing it was past noon, I had slept way too long.

She went to the oven, grabbed a pair of heat resist gloves and took a blue tray from inside it. It smelled heavenly , and then I knew why the spinach and mushroom where all over the counter. My girl had made one of my favorite dishes ever: Wild Mushroom and Spinach Lasagna.

“Oh fuck, you are killing me” I moaned, my mother watering just from the smell of it.

“Can you set the table please” she said, while putting a bowl with salad next to it.

I soon put the table set for the two of us, grabbed us some juice and helped her with the salad bowl. She had made my favorite dish and a cake, which left me with only two options for what was going on, or she was going to celebrate something or she had done something that she knew I would disapprove, and she was trying to buy her out of it.  But which one was it?

“Here, careful is really hot” she said, putting a large piece of Lasagna on my plate.

“¨Thanks” I said, blowing a small piece before letting it melt on my mouth. It felt delicious, as always, the perks of having a girl that wasn´t just hot, but knew how to cook insanely well. One day, our kids would be lucky to have such an awesome mom.

“So, I had been talking to Rosalie and Alice, and they said they will come with me to New York to help with the wedding dress shopping” she said, cutting her salad and eating with the lasagna.

“Really? Did you let Victoria know you will take a trip to New York” I said to her.

“She is my manager, not my mom” she said back at me.

“Oh I know that baby, but I am pretty sure she doesn’t” I said with a smirk.

“ She knows that I was taking a few months off work to get more involved in our wedding plans. She knows that after our honey moon I will be back at work, she can deal with that ” She said with a shrug, but I knew that Victoria really hated my guts. She saw me as the reason Meg still wasn´t the new Angelina Jolie, since she had moved with me from LA to Seattle, she had to say no to a TV show and some lead roles in some big shot movies.

“ Yeah, I know you said all those things to her, but I am still pretty sure she hates my guts that I proposed to you” I said, taking her left hand, and  playing with her vintage Tiffany’s platinum diamond ring. Proposing to her had been the right choice, maybe not the right time, but it was the right thing to do. I loved her, she was the right person for me to spend the rest of my life with.

I had dated many woman in my life, celebrities, singers, models, actress and from time to time a normal girl. But with Meg, it never felt like it was a celebrity relationship, I didn´t had to book with an assistant for a date, I didn´t had to worry about the way I looked or what I ate, if we were going to a trendy spot or if we were on tabloids magazines. She got me, in a way that I never thought someone would get me again. She brought me peace, our love was gentle and smooth, she made me smile and never she was the reason for me to write a sad song.

“ She doesn’t hate you per say, just the fact that you like your privacy as much as I do. I bet she wanted you to be some of those guys that was dying to sell our wedding pictures to People Magazine for instance ” she said laughing at her crazy redhead psychotic manager.

“So I am in her bad list because we are having a small wedding in Chicago at my parents’  house and not on the Hilton Hotel in LA, please that woman is crazy” I said, taking a sip of my juice.

“I think she would like the _Chateau Marmont_ much more ” she said with a smile.

“Thank God you agreed with me to keep this small and private. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I know we both are public figures but I don´t think grandma Masen would appreciated being photographed without her consent” I said to her, thinking about my 85 year old grandma, which last name I choose to use as my artistic name.

“ I feel the same way, besides your parents’ house is gorgeous and being in Chicago will lead to a smaller number of paparazzi’s stocking us and trying to get pictures of the ceremony” she said with a small smile.

“Pretty and intelligent” I said, softly kissing her.

“You forgot awesome” she said with a huge cocky smile.

“And modest, how could I had forgotten such a good trait of you” I said, kissing her ring finger, where in less than ten months would rest a diamond band for the rest of our life’s.

“And now you are just trying to win me over with complements” she said it back.

“While you do the same thing with all this delicious food” I said, pointing to the lasagna tray and the chocolate cake over the counter.

“I am not, we are celebrating” she said, getting up and starting to grab the dirty plates and take then to the sink.

“OK, did I miss something? What exactly are we celebrating today” I said, wondering how come I would had forgotten an important date, my Iphone or my assistant Emily would had warned me.

“ It may sound silly to you, is nothing official, just a date I will never forget” she said, coming and sitting on my lap.

“I am dam sure is not silly, you are not the kind of woman to get into silly things, so please do tell me so I will never forget again” I said to her, running my hands over her long wavy hair.

“Today, it makes exactly three years we meet, or have you forgotten already” she said with  a soft laugh.

“How could I forget the night you changed my life” I said to her, remembering exactly the dark place I was before meeting Meg and how she was the only woman in the past ten years to make me really happy.

**

**Los Angeles, 2010.**

I had been writing nonstop for the past two months, trying to get my fifth album ready, but nothing seemed to work. The songs felt shallow and without any meaning, which felt wrong, since I had been known for my entire career like the musician that put his soul on his work. So yeah, maybe I was lacking in inspiration, but my life lately seemed to be lacking everything.

I had been single again for the past six months after breaking up with a famous actress, she was great at first, we had a lot of fun and she was a gorgeous woman, that was almost eight years older than me. But at the time I had been in the top of my fame, so settle down was the farthest thing on my mind. But she had already been married and so she had other expectations of our relationship. She hated the press, the fans and with time she got very possessive of me. She was great and all, but deep down I knew she wasn´t the one for me, so after almost two years of and on and off relationship we end up for good. In a way I felt relieved, but at the same time after being in and out of relationships I started to feel lonely after the first couple of months. Witch lead me to have random hook ups and some pretty heavy mistakes, like sleeping with a girl that was way too young to understand that we had a small fling and nothing serious. But I guess that after you sleep with a nineteen year old country singer , you shouldn’t be surprised for her to write a song with your name and telling the whole world what a fucking bastard you were.

So yeah, I think we can say I had been doing a lot of shit lately, but is not like I wanted to hurt anyone, things just got out of control. I was a romantic deep down, but at the same time I didn´t want to settle, I wanted heart breaking love and not settle for the first girl that said that wanted to have my baby’s one day. I wanted spectacular and not commun.

So when I got my acoustic guitar and started to play with the cords, soon I had a few melody’s, and after some hours I had a new song, one with meaning and that would not break my fans heart. This song was exactly what I had been through lately.

 

**Love Song For No One**

_Staying home alone on a Friday_ __  
Flat on the floor looking back  
On old love  
Or lack thereof  
After all the crushes are faded  
And all my wishful thinking was wrong  
I'm jaded  
I hate it  
  
I'm tired of being alone  
So hurry up and get here  
So tired of being alone  
So hurry up and get here  
  
Searching all my days just to find you  
I'm not sure who I'm looking for  
I'll know it  
When I see you  
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom  
Staying up all night just to write  
A love song for no one  
  
I'm tired of being alone  
So hurry up and get here  
So tired of being alone  
So hurry up and get here  
  
I could have met you in a sandbox  
I could have passed you on the sidewalk  
Could I have missed my chance  
And watched you walk away?  
  
I'm tired of being alone  
So hurry up and get here  
So tired of being alone  
So hurry up and get here  
You'll be so good  
You'll be so good for me

 

“Dam, you are way worse than I expected”  my sister Alice said, walking inside my apartment with her high heels and designer clothes.

“ Alice, dam it I told you to stop coming inside my apartment without being invited” I said annoyed to have no privacy in my home.

“Hello to you to brother, you weren´t picking your phone, so I got worried and decided to see if you were still alive” she said with sarcasm, putting her expensive bag on my kitchen counter.

“As you can see I am great, you can leave now” I said, closing my lyrics notebook and putting my acoustic guitar back at its case.

“You call this great” she said, mentioning at my pajamas pants that I had been wearing. Ok so maybe it wasn´t my best look and it may had a mustard stain from last night dinner, but I was in my on home alone, so I didn’t bother with fashion right now.

“ Lots of people stay inside in their pajamas” I said to hear, annoyed.

“Honey, you stink, when was the last time you took a shower and look at this mess, your apartment is disgusting” she said, pointing at the food containers spread around the kitchen, the beer and wine bottles, and even some random piece of clothing. Ok, so maybe I was being a slob, but I had been feeling lazy and didn´t want to call the maid, I just wanted to be all my myself for a few days. Solitude suited me at this moment.

“I don´t stink” I told her, picking up the clothes on the floor.

“Edward, is this about Rachel? I thought you were happy you guys had end up ” she said with confusion.

“I am, I mean I don´t want her to suffer because of me, I like her and want her to be happy, I just can be what she need” I said to her, grabbing the cloth hamper and putting the dirty laundry inside it.

“ Then why are you depressed” she asked me with concern.

“I am not depressed, I am just tired of this LA life style. I am tired of those empty encounters and those girls that have nothing to offer me but their bodies. I know I sound like an hypocrite after I break up with Rach because I didn´t want us to get married, but I want that, just with the right girl” I told my sister, feeling tired of having to maintain this image of bad boy that the public seemed to enjoy. At least it was what my manager Liam said to me.

“Maybe you just need to get your head over something else, go to a different place, meet new people” she said, softly touching my shoulder.

“I think meeting new people won’t any good, I don´t need another _Alison Taylor_  in my life, thank you very much ” I said to her, still pissed at her stupid song _“ Dear Edward”._

“ Maybe next time you should stick with girls that have at least 21 years old” she said with sarcasm, my sister was never found of Alison, and she told me to be careful cause the girl had been all over Hollywood and her songs were prove of it, but I thought she was way more mature, well, at least mature enough to not mention my name in a song.

“ Don´t worry, I won´t make the same mistake again” I told her.

“Well, Jasper and I are hosting a small dinner at the loft tonight, why don´t you come over. It will be fun, very low profile, just our closest friends I promise” she said to me.

“I don´t know Ally, I mean, the last thing I need right now is to be all over the tabloids again” I said, remembering how my life had been a living hell for the past few months. Ok I may had slept around a lot in the past, but I was older and much more mature those days, I knew I couldn´t just go to a club and hook up with random girls anymore. Los Angeles were a sea of temptation and I was trying to not get burned over it.

“Please Edward, we haven´t hung out in a long time, pretty please” she said making her best puppy eyes, and like always, my lovely little sister got me to do what she wanted.

“Fine, I will make a appearance but I won’t stay long” I told her, wondering if I could go out and not be on E News tomorrow.

“Thank you” she said, giving me a tight hug.

“ Now go your annoying pixie, I have to clean up this mess” I said, pointing to my messy living room.

“I am going! But promise me you will shave and take a shower, you so need it” she said with a laugh, grabbing her bag and going to the front door.

“ Leave the keys before you go” I said to her, even knowing she wouldn´t give them back, they were for emergency’s and my sister was my emergency contact off course.

“And by the way, I really liked the song, it´s good to see you writing again” she said to me, before closing the door after her and leaving me to my cleaning duties.

**

Around seven pm I arrived at Alice´s and Jasper´s loft on downtown LA, it was an old Toy Factory that on early 90’s was converted to some loft apartments. The building was all red brick and iron, with seven stores, with large windows and we could say it got its own personality.  When my sister and my best friend got married two years ago, they soon moved here , and we could see Alice style all over it. She had remolded the entire thing, it now had dark wood floors, white ceiling, with the large white metal windows. It was really spacious , with the living room, dining room, kitchen and office all being in the same place, the only closed space on the lower floor was a small half bathroom. A iron staircase lead to a second floor, with two rooms and a bathroom, I knew that one was the master bedroom and the other my sister had converted to a walk in closet.

The door was wide open when I got out of the industrial style elevator, their loft being on the last floor of the building. They had only one neighbor per floor, and as far as I knew their next door neighbor was at the dinner, so I guess the loud music playing on the loft wouldn´t bother anyone. There were way more people than I was expecting, and they were everywhere. There were also waiters and someone was mixing drinks, the kinds that chicks liked. I felt a slight panic attack, in the sight of so many strange people, and before I had the change to turn back and get the hell out of here my sister spot me.

There she stood, in a black leather short skirt, with high heels sandals and a deep green silk blouse that matched her green eyes, the trait that everyone said we both had in common. She looked gorgeous as always, with her hair wild, going past her shoulders in layers, wearing much more jewelry that was probably necessary but probably very in to those days fashion. She was tagging Jasper along, making me laugh out loud to see my friend wearing probably expensive jeans and jacket, while with an The Amazing Spider-Man old t-shirt. I guess my sister and Jazz had a compromise in the dress code.

“I am so glad you made it” Alice said, while hugging me tight, as if she hadn´t seen me in a long time instead of just a couple hours.

“I told I would made an appearance” I said to her, while shaking Jasper´s hand.

“ Why Edward can dress casually and I don´t” Jasper complained, pointing to my old pair of black jeans, dark brown boots, white t-shit and plaid green and brown shirt.

**( set on my polyore account – link on my profile page)**

“ Because this is our party, you are the host so you have to look impeccable, besides this is a way improvement of what he was wearing this morning” she said with a annoyed tone.

“ So this is a party after all, you said it was just a dinner with closer friends” I said to her, she knew I hated when she pulled that shit up.

“And it is, there are not many people” she said with a smile.

“There are at least twenty people in here, and waiters and bartenders, this is a party Alice” I said pissed.

“Ok, maybe, but is a small one. I knew if I told you, you would freak out and not come, and I wanted you to go out and have fun” she said with pleading eyes, I knew she was just worried about me, but I was ok on my own.

“ Well I made my appearance, so I will go now” I said annoyed with some random people staring at me.

“Man, she is right, you had been essentially a monk those past few weeks. You didn´t go out of your apartment and we were starting to get worried about you” Jasper said, with concern.

“ I had been fine, I just wanted to avoid the press and wanted to work on my album. Just that, I am fine” I said to them, tired of everyone thinking that this was weird. I just wanted to have some peace for once in a while.

“Ok, let’s just grab a beer and hang out for a while. If you still want to get out of here in half an hour we won’t say anything, right baby” Jasper said, looking at Alice to reassure me.

“Yeah, have a drink, talk to the guys. Try to have some fun and then if you want to go, I won´t bother you anymore, I promise” she said to me.

“Fine, one drink, I am driving” I said to them and went to Jasper to grab a beer while Alice went to attend something for the guests.

 We walked to an area of the loft that was the living room, it was next to the large metal windows and the break walls. We sat on a large cream couch, that was facing a  black leather reclining chair, along at the side with two light brown arm chairs and an iron and glass coffee table on the center of the room over a fluffy white rug. There were many paints of the walls and some plants in vases, making the area look comfy and yet artistic.

“So, did you got anything done those last few weeks” Jasper asked me, while grabbing two beers from the waiter.

“ I had been having some trouble to get it right you know, to match the melody on my head with the lyrics. Nothing was seeming good enough to put on an album” I said to him, taking a sip of my beer.

“I know man, but you can´t expect it to do this so easily and quick. You always wrote from your heart and put your soul in your music. You put your hopes and your pain on it. Don´t try to hard” he said with a understand look.

“Yeah, I guess I can´t write about HER for the rest of my life” I said, taking a long sip, after all those years still hurt way too much to think about Bella.

“ Soon you will find a girl that takes all the air out of your chest, and makes your world spin faster and you can´t imagine living another day without her by your side” he said to me.

“I thought I already had that once” I said melancholic.

“ First loves are always hard to forget, but I got a feeling that this girl you are looking for is closer than you think” he said with a smirk.

“ I don´t know, I already been mistaken before, how can I know if I will know when I see her? How do I know if I didn´t already lose my change with her” I said to him, remembering the countless faces I had on my bed, how many women’s I had touched and had broken their heart, how many I barely remember and the one I could never forget.

“You will just know, that was the way I felt when I first saw Alice, it will be the same for you man” Jasper said with such a confidence that the seed of hope started to grown on my chest. Maybe he was right, maybe the right girl was out there, I just needed to let her in.

Then in the middle of the people spread around the loft, my eyes found themselves lost in deep blue ones. She was standing animosity talking to my sister, dressed in leather pants, turquoise peep toes high heels, a printed funky jacket and what looked like to be green lace bustier. In her it looked amazing while in any other girl would look ridiculous. Her blond hair was long and slightly curly, going past her breasts, with a black bow hairband on. She had a big crystal necklace and small earrings. Her black eyeliner was soft and made her blue eyes pop, and her lips were light pink, making me crazy just over the thought of kissing them. She was the most gorgeous woman I had seen in LA. Who was she?

“ What are you looking at” Jasper asked me, breaking my stare.

“Who’s the blond talking to Alice” I asked him.

“Her? That’s Megan, she and Alice got friends when Alice was a costume designer for a movie she worked on” He said to me.

“ Which movie” I asked him.

“ One of the first Alice made when she came to LA, a chick flick, I don´t remember the name” he said with a shrug.

“Oh” I said, taking the last sip of my beer, almost chocking on it when I saw her looking right at my direction, and then Alice grabbing her hand and bringing her to my direction.

“ Look like you had been caught ogling” Jasper said with a laugh.

“You make me sound like a creep” I said to him, strangely nervous to meet this girl, which was ridiculous when you think about all my romantic story.

“Honey look who finally showed up” Alice said, bringing the gorgeous blond with her.

“Meg, no time no see” Jasper said, giving her a familiar hug, guess they were familiar with each other.

“Hey Jazz” she said to him.

“This is my brother Edward” Alice said, introducing us.

“Pleasure” I said, shaking her hand. Fuck, shaking her hand? What was I, twelve?

“Me too” she said with a wild smile.

“So, when did you got back to LA” Jasper asked her.

“I just got back actually, but your wife would kill me if I didn´t show up” she said rolling her eyes at Alice. Good to know that I wasn´t the only one that got annoyed with the pixie.

“Where were you before” I asked her, curious to know more about her.

“I was shooting a movie in Vancouver” she said to me, while grabbing a yellow and orange fruit drink from the waiter.

“ Wow, movies, that must be exciting” I told her, while grabbing another beer from the waiter.

“I bet that not as much as perform a concert” she said with a smile, which meant she knew who I was. I guess that the entire world knew who I was, sometimes I forgot that.

“ Touché” I told her laughing.

“I am sorry, I am a fan” she said, slightly embarrassed.

“Wow really? Thanks” I said to her, no matter how long I had been in the music industry, I always got my heart pumping to know that someone liked my music.

“ Jasper, look Sam just got here, let’s go talk to him” Alice said, grabbing Jasper arm and taking him to the front door, leaving me and Meg alone.

“ My sister and her medley tendencies” I said, as I sat back at the cream couch, while Meg sat next to me.

“I don´t mind, you are way more interesting to talk then those fashion freaks out there” she said, mentioning a group of people that seemed to analyses every outfit the guest were wearing.

“ By your look, I thought you were in to fashion” I said to her, mentioning her clothes.

“ I do like fashion, but who am I to criticize other people taste, and Alice pick my outfit today” she said, pointing to herself.

“You do look great” I said with a small smile.

“So do you, I am a big fan of flannel and boots” she said laughing.

“ I am glad to please” I said, making her laugh even harder.

“Good to know” she said, giving me this look, that made me want to grab her and push my face against her and do things that were forbidden to the public eye.

“So, you do look  familiar but I can´t get from where” I said to her, analyzing every aspect of her perfect pale face.

“Well I did this tv show for four years, Pretty Crazy Young, you know” she said to me.

“You are Megan Hays” I said to her, admitting I had watched the teen show.

“And you are Edward Masen” she said it back.

“I liked your show, it was sad when it got canceled” I said to her.

“It’s ok, the time had come you know, we were all way too old to play teenagers anymore” she said, pushing her hair back, exposing to me her neck and her cleavage that was covered in the crystal necklace.

“ But now you are a movie actress” I said to her.

“Yeah, now I can make more versatile and mature parts you know” she said back at me.

“ I would love to watch them, actually I will make sure to watch all your movies” I told her with a smile, looking her up and down.

“ Please don´t, it would be embarrassing, knowing that you from all of people would see me acting” she said back to me.

“I bet you are great, you were great being a crazy teen , I bet you can make any movie amazing” I said, drinking my beer.

“Thanks” she said, her face becoming a little flushed.

**

We talked for what felt like hours, she told me she was from Pasadena and that she had two brothers, an older sister and a younger brother. Her father was an engineer and her mother was a stay home mom. She , like myself ,  had got discovered, but in her case she was sixteen in the mall with her mother, when her manager Victoria saw her and since then she had been acting. But the most amazing thing about her was that she like me, didn´t enjoy the LA lifestyle. She wanted to have a life and a family, fame wasn´t the most important thing, and she was this laid back person. She acted because she loved it and not because of the money or the fame. She was special.

The more we talked more I felt like we knew each other all my life. She was funny, smart and gorgeous. She loved to read and music was one of her passions. We liked the same bands and soon it was almost past midnight and all guest were leaving. There were people helping clean the mess, and soon she said she had to go, apparently she still lived in Pasadena and she wanted to avoid the LA drunks like she liked to call the party people.

She grabbed her small black clutch and the only thing I could think about was that I needed to see her again.

I knew I wanted to, I knew she was amazing, but at the same time I fear trying to get my hopes up about finding someone to fill the hole in my chest that Bella had left so long ago. So while I was debating about what to do, she got up and went to say goodbye to my sister and brother in law. She hug them both and said their goodbyes, and before I could blink she was out the door. So I did the only thing I could think of, I chase her.

“ Wont you say good bye to me” I asked her, catching her on the elevator.

“I did, but you were deep in thought, so I guess you didn´t hear me” she said quietly.

“Sorry about that” I said, scratching the back of my neck, hoping I didn´t had blown my chance already.

“It´s ok, you seem like a tortured soul, no reason to suffer more for this, is no big deal “ she said to me, while waiting for the elevator doors to open.

“So, it will be to cheese to ask for your number” I said to her, hoping for a positive answer.

“Only if you don´t call me back” she said with a smile, while asking for my phone . I gave it to her, and she made a call for her phone, so we both had our numbers now.

“There” she said, handing me back my phone.

“ I will so call you back “ I said to her with a huge smile.

“You better” she said to me, while the elevator doors opened.

“Goodnight Meg” I said, wishing we could just stay together the entire night, what would I do to feel her close to me.

“Goodnight Edward” she said, walking inside the elevator and pushing the down bottom, leading the doors close and her despairing.

I grabbed my phone and looked down at the last number on it, I add it to my list and didn´t wait another second to make a call that would change my life.

_“Hey Meg, it´s me Edward, are you free to have lunch with me this week_ ” I asked her on the phone, not knowing that she would be the one to change my history.

**


	5. Perfectly Lonely

BPOV  
Seattle, 2013.

Today was my favorite kind of day. An sunny Sunday morning, sitting on my comfy couch, with my gorgeous boyfriend and an nice cup of hot coffee. Even if I had tons of papers to grade, it was nice to be able to do it while Matt was reading the morning paper with Max sitting next to his feet.

Since we had moved together two years ago we got into a familiar routine, we tried to have dinner together every night, walk our dog around the park at least once in a week and never go to bed angry with each other. So far it had worked really well to us, so it was really good to spend those quiet moment together, considering how crazy our schedules were those days, with me teaching classes at UW and he being on the court house all the time. Yeah, that’s what you get for falling in love with a lawyer.  
He looked so relaxed today, wearing his old Velvet Underground t-shirt and some navy shorts, so different from the suit up and tense version that I saw every morning before going to work. His blond hair was messed, and his beard longer, weekends were for him the moment he could forget the world and just lay low in here. My man worked way too much, being an environment lawyer he was always trying to make the world a better place, one case at the time.  
But that didn´t stop him from watching crap shows on TV, and right now, he was channel surfing, till he decided to stop at TMZ show, and so my past flashed right in front of my eyes.  
“ Music star Edward Masen and his longtime girlfriend, actress Megan Hays, are hitting New York for the MTV Music Video Awards. The Grammy winner singer, will perform for the first time in two years since he discovered a Granuloma on his vocal cords in 2011. While Masen will perform a song from his new album Born & Raised, his gorgeous girlfriend will be one of the awards presenter. The paparazzi went nuts after them, since there were some comments about a certain ring, on Meg´s left ring fingers. Now we are all anxious to know if Masen DID PUT A RING ON IT. “  
I couldn´t hear anymore about Edward and his blonde girlfriend, the one to seem to stuck around for the past few years, so I grabbed the remote and changed the station. No matter how long it has been, I didn´t need to have all his fame and glory splashed all over my face.  
“Hey, I was watching that” Matt said, annoyed I had changed the station.  
“I can´t believe you watch this crap. Those guys are stalking celebrity’s” I said, trying to explain why the suddenly change.  
“When they signed for this, they knew where they were getting themselves into” he said with a shrug.  
“And here was I thinking they did it because they loved to perform” I said with sarcasm, putting my messy hair in a low ponytail.  
“Some of them are, but many just go crazy for the money and fame” he said to me.  
“Yet, you love to watch those celebrity programs” I said laughing at him.  
“What can I say, it’s one of my guilty pleasures in life” he said, grabbing me by my waist and pulling me on his lap, before kissing me on the lips.  
“I can consider this your other guilty pleasure” I asked him between kisses filled with the fresh taste of coffee on his lips.  
“You can bet your sweet ass on it” he said, while I straddle his lap, engaging on a full make out session right on our living room.  
Before we could start losing a few pieces of clothe the doorbell started to ring nonstop. We tried to ignore it at first, but after a few minutes, Max started to bark and howl on the front door, making us stop with our morning love session.  
“Freaking bad timing” Matt moaned against the skin of my neck.  
“I better go check who it is” I said to him, giving him one last kiss.  
“ You better go, I don´t think I can stand up yet” he said, pointing to his now very awake dick.  
“And here was I thinking I dated a 32 year old man, not a 12 year old boy” I said laughing, getting up from his lap.  
“Laugh all you want, is not you that has to hide a hard on” he said with a smirk, grabbing on of the couch pillows to cover his erection.  
“ One of the many perks of being a woman” I said to him, while putting my hair back at place so I could look presentable to whatever that was at our door.  
I guess I should had not being surprised when answer the door and my annoying little sister coming bragging in through it.  
“Morning Rebecca” I said to her, while she walked in her high heels and expensive cream dress into my living room.  
( set on my polyvore account – link on my profile page)  
“Morning Bells. Hey Max, how are you buddy” she said, slightly patting my dogs head, and surprisingly he did not jump on her , not ruining her precious dress. I guess he was scared of her too like most people were.  
“ Its early” I said to her, annoyed to be interrupt by my younger sister.  
“Hey Matthew, how are you doing” she said to him with a smirk, that made Matt blush because she probably knew pretty well why I took so long to answer the door.  
“Becca” he said to her, taking the pillow of his lap, since her presence was clearly like a bucket of cold water on him.  
“ What are you doing here” I asked her, while locking the door.  
“ I just wanted to stop by and see how my older sister and favorite brother in law were” she said with her brilliant smile, pushing her long dark bangs away from her face.  
“No, you want something, you never get up of bed this early on a Sunday without a reason. So come on spill it” I said walking after her, as she sat on the cream velvet arm chair that stood next to the couch.  
“I think your lack of faith in me disturbing sis” she said crossing her legs, in a very ladylike style.  
“That’s because I know you my whole life” I said with a smile.  
“And coting Star Wars will so not help it out” Matt said, laughing at her.  
“Fine, you two are so not fun” she said with a pout that used be cute when she was a kid, now was just simply annoying.  
“What do you want Rebecca” I asked one more time.  
“Well, I am seeing this guy…” she started to say.  
“Absolutely not” I said, not even letting her finish it.  
“You don´t even know what I am going to say to you” she said it back to me.  
“ Honey, you know I love you, but you change your boyfriends like you do to your underwear” I told her, thinking about how many dinners I had cooked for her this year, so she could impress Taylor, Rick, Michael, John and Peter.  
“I so do not” she said with indignation.  
“Yes you do” Matt said, while rubbing Max fury back.  
“ There were not so many guys this year” she said, probably not even remembering all those guys, after all my sister was a serial dater, she loved the romance but not the routine and commitment of a serious relationship.  
“The ones that I know, are at least five, and we are on August” I said to her.  
“Please Bella, this one is really different” she said in a begging tone.  
“You said that about Peter” Matthew said to her, changing the TV channel for ESPN.  
“Peter was fun for a while, but then he got possessive and boring, we were just not right for each other ” she said with a shrug, like it was not a big deal.  
“Say that to poor Peter” I said to her, remembering how devastated he was after my sister broke up with him after a few months of dating. He was a nice guy, hardworking, honest and cute. But he did not enjoy my sister life style, of partying and celebrity focus. Yes, my sister was a journalist, but she rather write about someone personal life’s than for something like World Hungry.  
“I did ! Why do you think he cried so much after” she said, not really caring for hurting other´s people feelings. My sister was a good person, but she lacked in common sense.  
“ I would take care if I were you, someday , someone may do the same thing with you” Matt said, not looking from the TV screen.  
“Did someone asked for your opinion Matthew ” my sister replied annoyed.  
“It’s my house, my living room and my couch you are sitting your fat ass on , to try to convince my girlfriend to do your dirty work” he said to her, making her even angrier.  
“My ass is not fat” she shouted back at him.  
“Really? That’s all you got to say? Whatever , I will take Max for a walk, come on boy” He said, getting up from the couch and towards our kitchen to grab Max leash.  
“ God, how can you stand him” she said to me, probably thinking Matt was being an ass, not really realizing that she was the one with a fuckup mind.  
“You know, hot lawyer that can cook, great in bed, I also happen to love him. No big deal.” I said with sarcasm to her.  
“Bella” she whined in desperation.  
“Becca” I said back at her. Someone really needed to start saying no to her. I blamed my parents for this, they spoiled her way to much.  
“Pretty please, I really need your help, I really like Caius” she said to me.  
“Caius? What kind of name is that” I said laughing, pushing my glasses up to my head.  
“Is a very gorgeous name” she said to me, obviously not liking my teasing.  
“Ok, sorry to make fun of your boyfriends name” I said to her, getting up from the couch and walking to the kitchen, to grab a yogurt.  
“Technically he is not my boyfriend yet” she said to me.  
“What? You want me to but my ass off to cook you a three dishes dinner, for some random guy, that is not even your boyfriend”. I asked her now feeling freaking pissed.  
“We had gone out a few times, but I want to show him I am the real deal, you know.” She said to me, sitting on the kitchen counter barstool.  
“Becca, if you want that be yourself, you don´t need to pretend to be something you are not” I said to her, thinking how many times I already said this to her.  
“Come on Bells, this guy is perfect, he is everything I ever dreamed off.” She said, and to be honest, seeing my sister say things like that did break my heart a little bit. She was always so full of confidence, she never took no for an answer and always fought for what she wanted in life. Maybe this time she really was in love.  
“ What does he do for a living” I asked her.  
“Why do you want to know” she asked me, probably because she knew where I was heading with this conversation.  
“You know why” I said to her, since she was the kind of girl that was perfect to be on The Millionaire Matchmaker.

“Hum, he is on the fashion industry” she said, while finding a spot on the floor much more interesting to look then at me.

“He is what? A photographer or something” I asked her, really starting to worry. With my sister, the more money and fame the guy had, more she would end up getting involved with him, and more broken she would end up being when the relationship ended. She may had broken many hearts before, but the times she was the one that got dumped, she was crushed.

“That too, he is really into photography” she said with a small smile.

“So, did you meet him at Seattle Times” I asked her, wondering if my sister actually had meet someone at her work place. She tended to think most of the guys that worked there boring.

“Hum actually, remember when I got to do a few stories for Vanity Fair online” she said to me, making me remember how excited she was to write in her dream job. It were only three stories, but she was convinced that she would end up moving to New York to work for them full time.

“Yeah, what about” I asked her.

“I meet him there, I mean, here. He lives in Seattle now” she said to me.

“ Did you interview him” I asked shocked.

“Yeah, he is Caius Hale” she said to me, with a smile and dreamy eyes. Fuck, my sister did had fallen in love with one of America´s biggest playboys.

“As in the model/ actor” I asked her for reassurance.

“The same, but he is now kind of retired. He moved from Los Angeles back to Seattle, you know, to stay close to his family” she said to me, like it was no big deal.

“As in his supermodel sister Rosalie Hale” I asked her, knowing exactly what the answer would be. My sister really had no idea where she was getting herself into.

“Ex-supermodel, she is now a stay at home mom” she said to me, like she knew the entire Hale family already.

“So let me get this straight, you met a model while doing an interview, you guys hook up, and now you want to make it official with one of the biggest male sluts in the country” I asked her, trying to make her see what this was, and not the fairy tale she had built in her head.

“He is not like that anymore, we connected you know, we get each other. He wants to leave all that behind him and start fresh. Please Bells, I really like him.” She said to me, totally blind to the danger she was putting herself on. I knew firsthand what fame did with a person and how it can ruin a relationship.

“I really think this is a bad idea. Maybe for him this is just a friendship with benefits, did you even think about that” I asked her.

“It’s not ok, he is the real deal, please just help me out this one more time and I promise you to never ask you to do it ever again” she pleaded.

“I just don´t want you to get hurt” I said to her, I really didn´t need to see my little sister heartbroken over a story that I knew how it was going to end.

“I won’t” she said with a smile.

“I think this is a mistake Rebecca, I really don´t think you should get involved with him.” I told her, my heart breaking to remember how I was once just like her.

“If it is, is my mistake to make, I need to try this or I will spend the rest of my life wondering how it could had been” she said, and just like that I knew I had lost this battle with her. The only thing I could do was be there for her if she need me.

“Fine, but this will be an only time kind of deal, I won´t be your personal chef, I have my own life to live you know” I said to her.

“Thank you so much” she said, getting up from the stool to hug me, I guess she was really happy. I just hoped I wasn´t making the wrong decision.

**

After Rebecca left, I was once again left alone with my own thoughts, so I decided to look inside of the fridge for ingredients for me to start making our lunch. I was in doubt between pasta or restated chicken when I heard the kitchen side door opening and Matt and Max walking inside the house. Max seem pretty happy with his long walk in the park, and went to take a sip of water, while his tale happily moved over the air.

“Please tell me the devil spawn already left” Matthew said, while grabbing a glass of cold water.

“You know that we have the same parents right” I asked laughing at him, he and my sister seemed to always be teasing and mocking each other, things that only brothers would do.

“But I am pretty sure somebody exchange her with your real sister when she was born. You are too sweet to have such an evil little sister” he said with a smirk.

“She is not that bad” I said to him, deciding on go for the past today.

“Really? Are we talking about the same person here” he asked me.

“Ok, she is pretty bad. But she is my little sister, is my job to take care of her” I said with a shrug.

“Baby, she is 26 years old, I am pretty sure she can take care of herself” he said, taking off his running sneakers and walking back to the living room, leaving his dirty shoes on my clean kitchen.

“Matthew Jonathan Thomas, you better take off those disgusting sneakers out of my kitchen right now” I shouted at him, making him only laugh at my reaction.

“ In a second” he said, sat on the couch, turning on the TV one more time.

“I swear I will throw them on the trash, were they belong if you don´t come here right this second” I shouted back at him, putting my knife down.

“Oh baby, you look so sexy when you get all mad” he said laughing at me.  
“You will see how sexy I will be if you don´t come and pick this up” I said to him. We always had this same conversation, I loved my boyfriend to death, but he was a slob. He always left his shoes and clothes all over the floor, the wet towel on the bed and even drank things right from the bottle. Maybe those things had to do with the Y chromosome, but he could at least not let his dirty shoes filled with dirty and grass, next to where I was cooking our lunch.

“Ok fine” he said, getting up from the couch and coming to retrieve the tennis shoes.

“Thank you, was that so hard” I said to him, now happily cutting back all the vegetables for the sauce. 

“ You know I do this because I love to see you on your toes” he said, coming behind me to kiss my neck.

“Do you have to be so infuriating” I asked him, knowing exactly what he would say to me.

“Off course, that was what made you fall in love with me on the first place” he said, softly kissing me on the lips.

He was right, since the day we meet he got under my skin, making me mad, annoyed, but also crazy in love. After Edward I never thought I would be able to love again, but Matthew like always , made me change my mind. I could not imagine my life without him.

**

Seattle, 2008.

I was running late again, a habit I was trying to break free since I left college, but the destiny seemed to like to bite me in the ass. I left on the wrong platform of the subway, making me have to wait for the next train, all because I was reading the last few papers I had volunteered to help review it for Mr. Scott, one of my Masters orienteers , and one that I was hoping to be able to work on my PhD with. 

So after losing my first class, I decided to grab a cup of coffee and finish with those papers. I walked to the closest Starbucks, next to UW campus, and waited on the line that seemed to never move fast enough. I was grumpy without my caffeine fix and not happy about missing my Free Writing class. It was one of my favorites and the professor was a pleasant lady, Margaret Fitz, she reminded me of my mother and always bring my spirits up with her classes.

Since it was a sunny and slightly hot morning, I decided to ask for a Mocachino instead of my classic black coffee. Hell, I might ask for a piece of brownie too, who needed to be super tin when you didn´t even wanted to date.

Lowly in the background I could hear the voice that I tried to run from. Those days he was everywhere, from talk shoes, to radio stations and tabloids. Since he started dating Rachel Jones things got intense, and I guess he didn´t felt perfectly lonely anymore.

Perfectly Lonely  
Had a little love, but I spread it thin  
Falling in her arms and out again  
Made a bad name for my game around town  
Tore up my heart, and shut it down

Nothing to do  
Nowhere to be  
A simple little kind of free  
Nothing to do  
No one but me  
And that's all I need

I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)  
'Cause I don't belong to anyone  
Nobody belongs to me

I see my friends around from time to time  
When their ladies let them slip away  
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine  
This is always what I say

Nothing to do  
Nowhere to be  
A simple little kind of free  
Nothing to do  
No one to be  
Is it really hard to see

Why I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)  
'Cause I don't belong to anyone  
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say  
There never comes a day  
I'll take my chances and start again  
And when I look behind  
On all my younger times  
I have to thank the wrongs  
that led me to a love so strong

I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely  
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)  
'Cause I don't belong to anyone  
Nobody belongs to me

(That's the way, that's the way, that's the way that I want it)

“ God this line seem to go on forever, don´t you think” a voice behind me said, and for a second I was confused if he was talking to me or with another person. So I decided to stay quiet and not walk on somebody else conversation.

“Damm its hot, how I wish I could just wear a t-shirt today” he said one more time, not receiving any response.

The girl that worked on Starbucks soon was asking for my order and before I could pay it, Mr. Talking behind me offer to buy my coffee.

“That’s not necessarily” I said, looking behind me for the first time, just to get stunned to see that the owner of that voice was not an old bald fat guy, like I had pictured in my mind, but a really tall, well dressed, blond guy with the most gorgeous sea blue eyes I had ever seen. For a whole minute I was stunned that he was gorgeous, and also kind for wanting to pay my drink, but I knew that flirtation was out of the picture. Sorry hot Blondie, I was out the market.

“Please, I insist” he said with a brilliant smile.

“I can pay for my own drinks I said” putting my books and briefcase over the counter, so I could pay for my own coffee.

He look shocked, but smiled politely and order his own drink. I waited on the line to grab my drink, and once more he was behind me trying to make random conversation with a stranger. Weird guy.

“So, I am sorry if I offended you, I just thought it would be a nice way to apologize” he said, resting his back against the counter, looking at the barista making our drinks.

“Apologize for what” I asked him, not so comfortable with talking to him, he may be hot, but still was a stranger in a big city.

“For being my annoying self, I guess I was just nervous and wanted to distract myself you know” he said it like it was no big deal.

“Should I ask why are you nervous” I said to him, not sure why I was even asking. Maybe I missed taking to attractive men’s instead of old professors.

“It’s my first day at my internship” he said with a smile, which made me realize that would explain the preppy clothes.  
“Hope it all goes well.” I said to him, while grabbing my drink and deciding to not sit and read the papers in here. As far as I know he would probably want to sit next to me, and talk about all his life problems, which to be honest I didn´t care. He made me nervous, and it had been so many years since I meet a guy that made me nervous, and considering that I only knew him for twenty minutes it was not a good sign.

I walked out the store, in the warm city, and walked as fast as my heels would allow me to. I felt like an idiot for choosing those shoes and wearing a green blazer because I wanted to impress my professors and look professional. But in this weather it made me walk slower to try not to sweat too much.

I had walked almost a block away from the coffee shop when I heard Blondie’s voice shouting after me. Great, now he was stalking me, just what I needed.

“Hey Mocacchino girl” he said, finally reaching me, and strangely not out of breath like I expected him too, since he had run over a block to get me here. Maybe he worked out or something, it would explain how great his shirt hang on his arms. Fuck, stop right there Bella.

“Can I help you” I asked him, stopping right in front of a newsstand, making sure I had a witness in case he went all crazy on me.

“You have something that belongs to me” he said in a serious tone.

“Excuse me” I asked confused, not sure what he was expecting to happen, but that was the worst pick up line ever.

“My coffee, you kidnapped my coffee and I came here to get it back” he said with a warm smile.

“I think there has to be some mistake, I am pretty sure this is my coffee” I said, not even caring to look at it, since it was my White Mocha Frappuccino.

“So, then why there is a Isabella written on my cup” he said, showing me cup with my name on it with black ink. Fuck, I did steal his coffee.

I looked down at my own cup, and on the side there it was badly written Matthew on it. So, the Blondie´s name was Matthew, interesting. No, that was not good, how could I not realize it? Now I had drink on it, and had left a lipstick stain on the cup. I had no time to go back, order another coffee and give it back at him. Like that, I would never be able to finish reviewing the papers and Mr. Scott would so not be happy with me. I would blow up my chances for my PhD over some stupid coffee.

“I am so sorry” I said to him, handing him the coffee with my lipstick all over it.  
“ You should keep it” he said, not taking it back, pointing to it.

“I can pay you back, this is so embarrassing” I said, feeling the blush start on my cheeks, god dam blush.

“There is no problem Isabella, really” he said, still holding the coffee that was supposed to be mine.

“I am really sorry, this day is being all weird, and I need to finish reading some papers.” I rumbled to him, trying to not sit on the dirty floor and cry. I guess I was PMSing way more than I thought.

“It’s ok, I need to get to the office too, I just wanted to give your coffee back. I think the lack of caffeine might be getting to you” he said, mentioning my way over the top state.

“Are you saying there is no caffeine in this” I asked shocked, cause come on, who goes to a coffee shop and not drink actual coffee.

“Yeah, I love the taste of this coffee, but I am anxious already without the caffeine on my system. Anyway, I better get going” he said, handing me back the caffeine version.

“Thanks and one more time, I am sorry, I hope you are not too late” I said to him.

“ Well what is a lawyer without a grate entrance” he said with a smile, and probably he would look bad for getting late at his first day, but I had to admit that it was nice meeting him.

“ I am really sorry” I said to him, grabbing my coffee.

“That´s ok, who knows we might end up meeting up again for coffee one of those days. You know, so we both can drink what we ordered this time” he said with a smile, pushing his messenger bag over his right shoulder.

“Yeah, maybe we will” I said shyly to him.

“I better get going, hum nice to meet you Isabella” he said to me.

“It´s Bella” I said it back, feeling way to warm inside with his sweet smile and velvet voice. Maybe it had been too long since I last got laid, who knows, I wasn´t the easy type.

“By Bella” he said with a smile, walking back in the direction he came, leaving me breathless.

“Bye Matt” I said lowly, watching him go, till I couldn´t see him anymore. 

That was the morning I lost the train twice, lost my entire first period at UW and in a caffeine abstinence had started a debate about Emily Brontë work that gave me a place in Dr. Scott PhD program. But most important of all, I meet the man that made me breathe again, I meet the man that for the first time in five years made me feel alive.

**


	6. In Your Atmosphere

**EPOV**

**Seattle, 2013.**

The twilight was shining through the large glass walls of my penthouse condo, the oranges and red mixing with the yellows and purples, the wind bringing the musk sent from the bay. And here I stood, on the large balcony of my very empty apartment, my only company being the breeze and my own voice.

For the first time in months I was completely alone. It was an estrange feeling, for someone that was used to have the entire world looking at you at every moment, this emptiness that had been consuming me since Megan had left for New York with my sister two days ago. She and Alice went to the wedding dress shopping, while Jasper went back to Los Angeles to work with a Maroon Five.

So here I was, standing on the top of the world, looking at all the people walking by down there, on the sidewalk. The boats on the bay and the cars on the streets. Going somewhere, going nowhere, just strangers in a sea of bodies in movement.

In a way I felt disconnect of everything, being here, on the top of this glass tower so far from everything and everyone.

The silence was excruciating, and even though I did appreciated my moments of solitude, I felt like something was missing inside of me. But I must admit, it had been for a while, I just didn´t want to see it, to recognized that deep down I wasn´t happy. After years of feeling numb, I was just so tired of the meaningless and the solitude that my life had brought me, so I accepted any piece of happiness I could get. Maybe I was being unfair to the people in my life, but I could not stop going back on the time, and remembering how full fill I had been once.

The success that I achieved did come with a price, one that at the time I thought I could pay, but I was young and stupid, and took for granted the most important person of my life. And even ten years later, I didn´t go a day without missing her , without thinking about her.

Even though I was building a future with another woman, one that I had deep feelings and respected the most, I couldn´t let go of that part of me that loved her the most. Maybe that’s why I always avoided dating brunets since then, they always reminded me about the one that got away, the one that would never be replaced.

Love is a tricky thing, it can make you strong and also break you in pieces, and after you found yourself immerse in a deep, heart breaking, true love, is really hard to go back to the insignificant and shallow relationships. How can you recover of having your soul ripped and your heart crushed?

At the time I thought I could have the best of both worlds, that I could have the woman I loved by my side and have all my dreams coming true. Not for one second I thought that this may not be what she wanted, that the beginning of my career would be the end of us.

So yes, I may had end up being a cynic bastard after that, writing about love and not letting me really feel it. Some emotions are just too deep to be felt, something’s are better to stay locked and hide, or they might be the end of you. That’s how I survived the very first years of my life after she left me. I just kept moving on, trying not look back at the life that I left, and the one that I lost, I just kept walking and living, just existing.

I sat back at the wood bench , pushing my feet up to the wood coffee table next to it, grabbing my Guinness beer and letting the bitter taste run on my tongue. I sat there, watching the colors dance in the sky, trying not let the emptiness that I felt swallow me whole.

**( set on my polyvore account – link on my profile page)**

I looked down on the floor, where my oldest guitar case stood, it was dirty and the leather was fading on the corners, it was the only thing that had been with me since I left New Hampshire more than ten years ago. I grabbed it, opening the lid, looking down at my Gibson acoustic guitar. I remembering working extra shifts so I could purchase it, and eating nothing but mac and cheese for two months, to save the money for it. It was one of my favorites, the age only made me love it more, and yet I rarely played with it. It was the same guitar that I used to wrote my first songs, the same that accompany most of my suffering and also some of my happiest moments. It was with this guitar that I created my best work.

I took the guitar from its case, softly playing the cords, the time had made them tuneless. So patiently I tuned each string, till they wore making the same sounds of their glory days, my fingers feeling the familiarity with the wood and steal, like old lovers meeting again.

My chest felt tight at the feeling of my fingers playing the guitar, and then one of my old songs came in my mind, one that I wrote so long ago. My hands on the guitar and my voice on the air, while flashes of memories ran through my mind. I wrote this song after moving to LA, after losing Bella and then losing myself on my own loniless.

 

**_In Your Atmosphere_ **

_I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore_ __  
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore  
I don't know what it's like to land  
And not race to your door  
I don't think I'm gonna go to la anymore  
  
I don't think I'm gonna go to la anymore  
I'm not sure that I really ever could  
Hold on to the hotel key  
In your bedroom neighboorhood  
We sleep walk in Hollywood  
  
I'm gonna steer clear  
I burn up in your atmosphere  
I'm gonna steer clear  
Cause I'd die if I saw you  
I'd die if I didn't see you there  
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore  
  
I dont think I'm gonna go there anymore  
I get lost on the boulevard at night  
Without your voice to tell me  
"I love you, take a right"  
The ten and the two is the loneliest sight  
  
I'm gonna steer clear  
I burn up in your atmosphere  
I'm gonna steer clear  
Cause I'd die if I saw you babe  
I'd die if I didn't see you there  
I'm gonna steer clear  
I burn up in your atmosphere  
I'm gonna steer clear  
Cause I'd die if I saw you  
I'd die if I didn't see you there  
See you there  
  
I think I'm gonna stay  
All the street lights say nevermind, nevermind  
All the canyon lines say nevermind  
Sunset says we see this all the time  
Nevermind, never you mind..  
  
Wherever I go  
Whatever I do  
I wonder where I am in my relationship with you  
  
Wherever you go  
Wherever you are  
I watch your life play out in pictures from afar  
  
Wherever I go  
Whatever I do  
I wonder where I am in my relationship with you  
  
Wherever you go  
Wherever you are  
I watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar  
  


_**_

**Hanover, New Hampshire, 2003.**

 

I tiredly walked up the stairs of my dorm room, feeling my back ache from scrubbing the bar´s floor after another night of crazy college guys, cheering a football game. The beers stains were dry, so it took me longer to scrub it all, making me pissed and now sore. Because of that I had to stay longer than I planned on work, having to cancel a dinner date with Bella, which pissed me off to no end, since we both worked hard and it was difficult for us to find free time to just be a couple.  
  
It had been about a week since I meet Jasper, and his words keep ringing on my head, how he believed I had what it takes to be a big star, but at the same time if I actually had the guts for it. That made me think, so I suppose that being insomniac for the past week had everything to do with that. There was nothing that I wanted more than to be a real musician, record and album and tour around the world. If going to Los Angeles was what I needed to do to get it, I would, I would give up my entire life in here for it. But at the same time, the memory of my girlfriend was the reason that made me not grab my backpack, my guitar and be on a bus to LA yet.

I couldn´t face the idea of leaving Bella behind to pursue my own dreams, it was not worth loose the girls of my dreams over it, and I knew that was a very slight possibility of Bella not going with me. Besides, I could be going in vain, there were no guaranties of success for me. Could I really ask her to give up her life and dreams to pursue mine?

So far everything was a fog of possibilities, and after talking to Jaspers friend, Liam McGill, I recorded one of my songs and send to Columbia Records. Liam really wanted me to be in LA, to show the executives my work, so they could evaluated my performance, charisma and even my looks. Apparently it was not just talent that was worth those days.

I didn´t knew what to do, but one thing I was sure, I needed to talk to Bella about it. She wasn´t just my girlfriend, but my best friend and confident, she always knew the right thing to say to me when I felt lost and without any hope. She would give me perspective, and even if she would say going to LA was a bad idea, I know it would be because of the facts and not with prejudice or jealousy.

Feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, I grabbed my key from my jeans back pocket, unlocking the door, hoping Ben would already be asleep. I didn´t turn on the lights, since it was past 2am, trying to move through the room in the darkness wasn´t such an easy task.

The room could be considered large for a dorm room , it contained two sets of queen size bed on each side of the room, two desks with chairs, two small bookcases, a few shelf’s and two side bed table. Off course it only had one small closet, which I knew was the cause of some major drama in the female dorm room, but for me and my friend Ben it was all right. Yet there were signs over the room that clearly could show whose side was of each of us; his filed with family photos, movie posters and books, while mine contained my guitar, records and band posters.

Ben was kind of a geek, but to my own luck so was Bella´s roommate Angela, and so  a pair was made in Heaven. They had been together as far as Bella and I, which did allowed us both the spend the night with both of us girls. While I knew that his nights were more pure, it didn´t stop mine from being, so every time he left to spend the night with Angela , Bella and I couldn´t get enough of each other.

Unfortunately, tonight was far from one of those nights, since I had to bail on my hot and so willing girlfriend. It had been almost two weeks since we last had sex, cause between exams, work, and her period, we had no time or even energy to think about it. Yet, that didn’t stop the throbbing I felt on every morning, and even if the thought of rubbing one right now on the deep of the night was fucking tempting, I just didn´t have the guts to do it with Ben on the room, no matter if he was probably on a deep sleep.

I throw my back pack on the chair and put my guitar case next to it, carefully trying to not make too much noise so I wouldn´t wake up Ben. I took off my boots and socks, and was throwing my leather jacket on the floor when I heard the sound of my bed covers moving.

Fuck, Ben better not let any of his geek friends that loved to come and play Dungeons& Dragons crash on my bed again, that shit had pissed me off enough last time.

I was about to turn on the lights and tell the little fucker to get out of my bed when I felt a pair of hands on my crouch. The unexpected touch send me off my balance, and right into the bed, one that had been warm, probably from a body laying here for far too long. The small delicate hands found their way inside my pants, and before I could do anything to stop it, they were rubbing my cock in a way that made my eyes roll in the back of my head. In a way only one person knew how.

“Fuck, that’s better be you Bella” I said, trying to contain my moan.

“Surprise baby” she said to me, softly nibbling my lobe.

“God, no matter how much I love your hands on my cock, we can´t do it with Ben in here. We will traumatized the boy for God´s sake, and who knows when he will ever lose his virginity then” I said, my back starching on the comfortable, my head on the pillows that now smelled like jasmines, like Bella.

“Don´t worry, I am sure he is quiet comfy on my bed” she said, licking my neck, while her hand filled with pre cum slide quickly over my shaft, making really hard for me to not come on the spot.

“That feels good” I said, not holding back my moans.

“ I had been waiting for you for hours, I got so tired of waiting, that I had to start by myself” she moaned on my ear, her raspy voice making my cock even enlarged with the thought of her touching herself on my bed. In all the months we had been together she never had been one to shy on sex, meeting my every need and desire, in every aspect. She was perfect.

“I guess I have to make up to you then” I said, grabbing her by the lips, making her lap reach my aching hips, slowly grinding each other in a sensual dance, our moans being the music.

I ran my hands over her body, her skin was hot and her hair was messy, she was dressed in a sinful nightgown, one that to any other may seem harmless but for me it was nothing sexier. I bet it was in a sheer color, maybe white or pale pink, Bella loved to look like the pure virgin while she rode me like there was no tomorrow.

She moaned and kissed me deeply, her lips tasted like cheery and her hands on my skin felt way to good. I stopped her, taking her hands of my pants, before I could embarrass myself in front of the woman I loved.

“ I missed you” I moaned against her lips, her tongue dancing over mine, the kiss deep and filled with passion, longing and love.

“I missed you too” she said, her hands pushing my black t-shirt over my head and to the floor.

My left hand left her hip to look for the side lamp, turning on the dim light, making the room glow in a soft yellow light . The dance between shadows and light made Bella´s pale skin look like velvet milk, her brown hair that cascaded past her waist in slight curves molding her face look like deep chocolate, and the vale between her breasts filled with small freckles looking like home.

“You look so beautiful” I said, running my hands over her soft hair, making her smile .

“Do you like it” she said, pointing to her pale pink nightie, it was short, with lace trim and a small bowl in the middle of her breasts. The tin straps made it so much sexier, and no sight was better than seeing an half naked Bella on my lap.

**( set on my polyvoure account – link on my profile page)**

“Hell yeah, but you know how it would look even better” I said, kissing softly the side of her neck, whispering the words in a way I knew would drove her crazy.

“ How” she asked me, running her long nails over my back, living small scratches all over it.

“On my floor” I said, before running my hands upper her sides, taking the soft fabric with me, leaving her bare to me. I don´t know why I was even shocked when I realized she wasn’t wearing underwear, or how she lowered my jeans and white boxers just enough to free my hard cock.

And before I know it, she impaled herself on me, her tight wet heat on my aching dick.

“Fuck” I shouted, my eyes shutting closed and gripping her hips with my hands with more force than was necessarily. But Bella always did this to me, she always made me feel like losing my control, like nothing else mattered but the two of us, together in this bed.

“Oh, you feel so good inside me” she moaned, gyrating her hips, making me go even deeper inside her tight heat.

I couldn´t speak, it felt too good, and I was afraid that even trying to comprehend what my body was feeling at that moment would only lead me to my doom.

She kept moving, her hands running over my chest and my abs, her right hand holding over my thigh to get leverage, so she could move faster and deeper, ridding me like her life depended on it.

My hands moved up to her chest, my fingers slightly pinching her hard rosy nipples, making her moan my name.

“Oh Edward” she said, picking up her pace, making my wood bed bunt into the wall.

“Baby, you are going to make me cum” I said, trying to hold on as hard as I could, after all I knew that Bella needed her release as much as I did.

“Just a little bit more” she said, trying to get more leverage and I knew exactly what she needed to get to her pick.

I picked my own pace, my trusts meeting each one of hers, making my cock go even deeper inside her, hitting just the right spot. One, two, three times. It was all I needed before I could feel her pussy tighten on me, and her raspy voice moaning my name so load, I was afraid the entire floor would hear.

“Yes, oh fuck” she moaned, ridding her orgasm in long waves, of warmth and light.

A few more trusts after I soon joined her, my orgasm hitting me so hard I nearly blacked out, but the feel of Bella in my arms and my cum running down her legs and in to myself was enough to keep me awake.

“Shit, sorry Bella” I said, mentioning the mess between her legs.

“That’s ok” she said with a small smile.

“Here” I said, handing her some paper tissue from my side table.

“Thanks” she said, before using the tissue to clean up the mix of mine and her cum.

I stay there, naked, with my girlfriend on top of me while trying to clean up the mess we made. In that moment I felt so in peace that I wondered if I should even talk to Bella about Jasper and Liam proposal. Should I even try to chase something that may never pass over a dream, when I have the real thing on my arms, the real love. Should I risk losing everything over it?

For a second I considered bringing it up, hoping the nirvana state we both were, would help with the conversation, but at the first sight of Bella yawning I realized it was not the right time for it.

“Let’s sleep baby” I said to her, making room for her to lay beside me on the bed.

“Ok” she said, grabbing my t-shirt from the floor  and putting it on, then lying beside me.

“I love you Bella” I whispered in her hear, holding her, getting lost on her.

“I love you too” she said softly, before quickly falling asleep on my arms.

I held her tight against my chest, wishing I would never had to live without this feeling, and then darkness took over me.

**

I woke the next day with the suffocating feeling of hair all over my face, Bella was splashed all over the bed, and like always she tried to get as close to me as possible while she slept. It would be so much cuter if her knee wasn’t pressed so close to the family jewels.

I softly tried to move her body, trying not to wake her, but my desperate need to take a piss was winning me over. I finally got able to move, and the minute I left the bed, Bella was hugging my pillow, and a content smile spread on her lips. I guess she was having a good dream.

I put on my white boxers, a random t-shirt I found lying on the floor and some lounge pants. I quietly opened the door and went to the commune bathroom to take care of my business. Soon I was back at my room, only to find my gorgeous girlfriend awake, dressed in my clothes and looking fuckble.

“ I woke up and you were gone” she said, still lying on the bed, but the covers pushed over, and her long legs on display.

“Nature was calling” I said, before sitting next to her on the bed, and softly kissing her on the lips.

“Morning baby” I said, happy to be able to spend some time with my girl.

“Morning” she said back with a shy smile.

“Now you are shy? What happened to the girl that jumped on me last night” I teased her.

“She only appears after breakfast” she said to me, running her hands over her long hair, that I was sure was probably filled with tangles after last night.

“Well, then come on, let’s go eat” I said, getting up from the bed.

“I am to lazy, don´t you have something in here” she asked me.

I walked to one of my shelf’s where I stocked some things for when I wasn´t in the mood to leave the bedroom. I found two small boxes of orange juice and a box of lucky charms, that I usually ate without any milk on.

“ That’s all I have” I said, handing her one box of juice and putting the cereal on my side table.

“That will do, thanks” she said, before taking a sip from the juice.

“I am sorry for coming so late last night, those jerks of Beta Phi Gama were all over Clint´s yesterday, I had to stay longer to clean up their mess” I said to her, while eating a bunch of lucky charms.

“I imagined something like that had happened, don´t worry, I used the free time to finish an assay” she said, pointing to my table that had a bunch of her books and papers over it.

“I am glad you found a way to make yourself entertained on my absence” I said laughing.

“Don´t make fun of me, you should be glad, cause now I got to spend my Saturday morning here with you” she said, before softly kissing me on the lips.

“I am glad ,but no measure of  _ **time**_  with you  _ **will**_  be long  _ **enough**_ Bella” I said to her, always surprised about how deep my feelings for her here. I felt like I couldn´t breathe just from the thought of being apart. Suddenly all this idea of LA started to fell bad enough.

“And here was I thinking, I was the one that knew how to work on words” she said with a smile.

“I just can´t imagine living a life without you, anything without you, wouldn´t be living. It would be just existing. “ I said to her, lost in my own world of possibility’s

“But you will never have too. I love you Edward, nothing will ever change that” she said with an smile filled with such love, that made me feel like there would be hope for us, that maybe I would have a chance to have the two things I wanted most in my life.

“Here, I have something for you” she said, walking to Ben´s bed, grabbing something from her purse.

“What’s is it” I asked her.

“This” she said, handing me a small piece of paper. It was an photo of both of us, one that we had taken a few weeks ago , when Angela needed some models for her Photography class.

It was a beautiful picture, just the two of us, in a meadow with the sun setting on the back. We were both dressed in black, Bella´s hair was down, dancing on the wind, while I softly kissed her on the cheek.

It was simple, yet stunning, it had been our best picture together so far. I loved it.

“It’s amazing” I said, softly touching the small piece of paper, one that could easily go on my wallet.

“Angie really has a gift” she said to me, clearly happy with the result.

“Can I keep it” I asked her, still stunned with the beauty of the picture.

“Sure, she gave us both copy’s” she said with a smile.

I smiled back at her, but the words died on my lips, creating an unusual silence between us.

“Is everything ok Edward” she asked me in a worried tone, softly touching my arm with her hands.

“I am not sure” I said quietly.

“ Do you want to talk about it” she asked me in a reassurance tone.

“ Last week a music producer watched me play at Clint’s” I said to her, not sure how to say this to her.

“Oh My God baby, that’s amazing! What did he said” she asked me excitedly

“Yeah, I was playing _Neon_ you know, he really liked it” I said to her, mentioning one of my latest compositions.

“That’s fantastic hun, I told you someday the world would listen to your music” she said proudly.

“Yeah, he said I have what it takes to make it big, that if I work on it I can have a real career as a musician” I said to her, trying to balance my excitement over it, with my fear of what it may do to us.

“ Oh my god, Edward, I am so happy for you” she said, after all she knew how much I wanted it.

“He want me to move to LA” I said quietly, making Bella freeze on the spot, the words and warm smile disappearing of her face. I think she didn´t realized that for me to have success as a musician, I would have to leave New Hampshire, and her.

“Wow, just like that” she asked me quietly.

“Yeah, he showed my music to a manager, and to some people at Columbia Records. But they won´t make any promises unless I go to LA, permanently” I said to her, watching the light dim on her eyes, and her face form a sad smile.

“ I guess they really like you then, they wouldn´t ask you to let go of your entire life, unless they really think you are going to be a big star ” she said, nervously running her hand over her hair.

“I don´t know if I will go” I said to her, making her stared shocked at me.

“What? Why?” she asked me.

“You know why, I just can bear the thought of being away from you” I said to her, watching her eyes fill with emotions and tears, but I knew that the odds for everything to work out were not high. Deep down I knew I would have to make a decision, and it may chance the curse of my life.

“Edward, don´t say things like that” she said quietly.

“It’s the truth Bella, I love you. You are the love of my life, there will never be another you, you are it for me” I said desperately, my hands lightly touching her face.

“ And you are the love of mine, but I can´t ask you to give up your dreams for me” she said sadly.

“Then don´t, say you will come with me” I said to her.

“What” she asked me shocked.

“Move with me to LA, you can finish college there, and we can rent a place for us. And then when I hit it big, we can have a dream life” I said desperately to her, but I knew that she wouldn´t accept it. Dartmouth was her dream, not mine, and it would be hard for her to give it up.

“I don´t know what to say” she said in a confused tone.

“Say yes, say that at least you will think about it” I pleaded her.

“Ok, I will think about it” she said with a small smile, but it was empty, without it previous light. In that moment I should had knew that I would be standing without her, but at the time, I still believed that hope was the last one to die.

**

So here I was, ten years later, and my dream had come true. Not so far after that night, I left for Los Angeles, and a few months later my first single was out, and so was my first Grammy nomination.

The years went by, and my fame and success grow every day, and soon I felt like I was changing.

That boy that cleaned tables at Clint´s was long forgotten, replaced by a guy that dated super models and partied every day, a man that was a shell of what he was once.

My music evolved, the awards accumulated on my living room shelf, and now I was getting married in six months to a woman that was not Bella.

Yet, I kept that picture that she gave to me ten years ago, it was faded and the sides were broken from the time and use. For a long time it had a permanent residency on my wallet, no matter the woman that I had been with, Bella was always on my mind and heart. After all, how can someone forgot such a great love?

But those days, the same picture was inside this guitar case, along with this acoustic guitar. It felt like the right thing to do, to keep two precious things safe, together, like it was a piece of myself that I was afraid that time and life would make it fade away.

I won´t denied that I still loved her, I knew that probably I always would, but it was time for this love to stop. I couldn´t promise to spend the rest of my life with someone else and not give me entirely to this person. It was not fair with Meg, or Bella or me.

Isabella Swan was the love of my life, the half of my soul, the one that got away.

Yet, I had lost her a long time ago, and she would not be coming back.

I had to let her go.

So I took one last sip of my beer, watching as the night sky, filled with stars over me and let the emptiness and solitude consume.

**


	7. No Such Thing

**BPOV**

**Seattle, 2013.**

 

I had been teaching on the University of Washington for the past two months, and while it had been my dream coming true, I may say that grading more than eight hundred tests was not one of its many perks. I suppose I could asked for one of my Masters students to do it for me, but even through it was a pain in my ass, I liked doing it on my own.

I looked at my watch and saw it was past six pm, and even though I was tired, I couldn´t go home just yet. If I left, I knew I would sit down with a bottle of wine along with Matt on my side and Max by my feet, and would not finish grading those tests. It was a Friday, and most people was leaving, and yet here I was in my office, looking at a test about Ernest Hemingwaywork.

I was about to start another test when my phone started to madly play _Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,_ Cyndi Lauperbig hit from the 80s. I searched deep inside my bag, founding my Iphone and answering quickly to my sister.

“Yes Rebecca” I asked her, coming from her, at this time at a Friday, it couldn´t be anything good.

“Hello to you too dear sister. How are you? I am fine, thanks for asking” she said to me over the phone, her voice filled with her usual sarcasm.

“ What can I do for you Becca” I asked her, trying to contain the frustration of my voice. I was tired, it had been a very busy week and after been grading those tests for the past three hours I was cranky, to say at least.

“I was just wondering if you would like to go for a drink with me, you know, catch up on the latest news and things like that” she said to me, and I knew that was her way to say she wanted to have some girl time.

 Even though we were not that close while growing up -  she and my mom had the same perks and happy personality, while I was much more like my dad, a broader – since she moved to Seattle to attend college and then to work, we grown closer, and I knew that she needed someone to talk. Even though I was far from her best friend, I think I was her confident and adviser,  and  she still come to me with her problems.

I felt my tense shoulders, and decided that a drink would be a perfect way to lose some steam , I could finish those tests tomorrow morning. I looked down at my outfit choice for today: a pencil leather skirt, a tan colored silk blouse and Michael Kors black leather ankle boots. I had a meeting today with the others professors of the English Department and wanted to look my best, instead of my much more laid back kind of look with slacks, blouses and flats. Lucky for me, cause I just needed to fresh up my makeup and I was ready to go.

“I really would like that, a nice drink must be just what I needed” I said to her, while putting together the papers on my leather briefcase, grabbing my things and putting my heels back on.

“Excellent, are you driving today”  she asked.

“No, today I took the subway. You know I try to drive the less possible, we have a pretty great public transportation system” I answered.

“Yeah I know, saving the world a day at the time, you so sound like Matthew” she said with disgust, since she rarely took the subway or the bus. She always tried to catch cabs or even drive her own car, a silver Volvo .

“Yeah, but anyway, where do you want to go” I asked, not really wanting to hear her complaining about my life choices. So what if I wanted to save the planet by trying to be ecologic correct?

“I was thinking about the W Hotel Bar, it got amazing cocktails and we can have dinner later if you are hungry” she mentioned , making me think I was actually pretty hungry, since my lunch was nothing but a small tuna sandwich several hours ago.

“Ok, I can take the bus and will be there in half an hour.” I said to her, while applying a new coat of lip gloss and checking myself on my small compact mirror , and then closing down my office door.

“ Or I can pick you up” she said, and while the offer was tempting since I was wearing five inch heels, I didn´t want her to drive all the way from Downtown Seattle to the campus university. It would be a waste of time and fuel, both things I was passingly against off.

“Don´t worry Becca, the bus will be just fine, I will see you there”. We said our goodbyes, while I walked to the bus stop, that now had just some random students and a few employers of the university.

While waiting for it, I texted Matt to say I would be skipping dinner to go out with my sister, so he said he would go meet some college friends for drinks and a pizza, and wished me to have a good time with the _devil spawn_ , as he liked to call my sister.

**

The W Seattle Hotel was a large hotel, very modern, with brown stone walls and large steel and glass windows,  with more than twenty floors. The hotel bar was just as much luxurious, filled with modern deco and warm brown and red walls.  A young blond, dressed in a timeless _Victoria Beckham_ black dress, was the hostess and she soon lead me to a table on the corner, next to the large steel windows. On the light brown leather chair, stood my sister, dressed impeccably with a vibrating green Valentino silk and lace dress, black _Louboutin_ pumps and with golden accessories that I was pretty sure coasted way more than it was worth. She looked gorgeous as always, her long silk dark brown hair was falling down her back, her bangs perfectly styled and her deep blue eyes shining with her smoky eyes shadow.

**( set on my polyvore account – link on my profile page )**

“ Bella, I am so glad you made it” she said happily, while I sat in front of her on the modern glass table.

“Aren´t you happy today” I said, feeling glad to see her so excited. My sister always had this effect on people, she always made the room glow when she was this joyful.

“Could you please bring us two _Dry Martinis_ please” she said to the young dark haired waiter that was attending us.

“Wow, ordering drinks already, what happened to make you this anxious” I asked with curiosity.

“Bella, you have no idea what happened to me today” she said, moving her hands in excitement.

“It must be good, I don´t see you this happy since you got that Barbie´s doll house when we were kids” I said, remembering how insanely happy my sister got when her Christmas wish had come true. She had been a shopaholic since birth.

“Trust me, this is way more exciting” she said, taking a long sip from her drink that the waiter had just brought us.

“ Then tell me already! Wait, you are not pregnant are you” I asked, fearing the answer, since my sister could barely take care of herself, imagine then another human being.

“God, no! I got another job for Vanity Fair! But this time will actually published on the magazine and not just on the site” she said, her eyes shining with excitement, her smile so big and bright , I was so proud of her.

“Congratulations Becca” I said feeling so happy for her.  This was what she always wanted.

“Thank you! But you don´t know the best part! Guess who I will do an interview next week” she asked with a mysterious tone.

“I have no idea, how about Obama” I said, knowing that was highly unlikely.

“No, it´s someone from the artistic business” she said, taking a sip of her drink.

“ Oprah” I said.

“Nope” she reply, eating one of her drinks olives.

“Miley Cyrus” .

“No. Try again.”

“Orlando Bloom” .

“Unfortunately no, but he is just as yummy” she said, raising her eyebrows, making me wonder who would be the mysterious guy.

“I have no idea, come on, just spit out! You know you are dying to tell me” I said laughing.

“Edward Masen” she said, making me choke on my own drink.

“What” I asked her, way to shocked to try to cover my reaction.

“I know right! I almost didn´t believe it myself, I mean, I did wrote a few articles on fashion and Hollywood, but nothing like a personal interview with one of the greatest musicians of the past twenty years ” she said excitedly, while mentioning to the waiter to bring two new drinks.

“ That is great, I know you are a fan of his work” I said to her, feeling my heart beating so fast it felt like my chest would burst open.

“ He is so amazing, and so hot, besides nobody sings better about a broken heart than Edward Masen. But I guess that will change now” she said softly pushing her hair back, while receiving some glances from two guys next to the bar.

“What do you mean” I asked confused.

“ Really Bella? Where had you been for the past week! The news were all over the internet” she said while rolling her eyes at me, for her, my lack of interest in celebrity’s was always a big problem.

“I have no idea what are you talking about” I said annoyed and fearing what the news might be.

“He and Megan Hays are engaged! The picture of her engagement ring was all over the place, they announced it on the red carpet of the MTV Music Awards last week in New York” she said to me, delighted on the details about how the press went insane over it. Apparently that was the biggest news since the birth of Prince William´s kid. But while she talked about it, all I wanted to do was to get in a hole and die. I mean, I never expected him to stay single forever, but to get married to that woman was too much. I just wasn´t expecting it, and even if I had no hopes for us to ever be together again, it still broke my heart.

“So, off course that I will talk about it on the interview, I mean, I loved his performance on the show, but I need to get details over their engagement. Imagine how romantic it must had been? I mean, look at the things he writes at his songs, he must be a real life Romeo you know” .

“When will you leave to LA” I asked her, trying to contain the tears that wanted to come out as soon as the word ‘engaged’ was spoken.

“What are you talking about? I am not going to LA” she said simply.

“Then where are you going to interview him” I asked, wondering where he had gone over the years, if not his beloved Los Angeles.

“ Did you not hear a word I said Bella? He is leaving here is Seattle! That’s why I was assigned to do this interview! He only agreed to do it, if it was on his house and made to someone local as well. I guess he doesn’t want the paparazzi chasing after him like it used to be in LA you know”.

Edward was here? How could that be possible, I mean, if a big shot celebrity like him had been living here someone would had seen him, right? I mean, he is the kind of person that you notice right away, there is no way that he could be this close to me and I had no idea about it. How long had he been here? All that time that he had been gone from the spotlight had he been hiding here? Could I had crossed him on the busy streets and not realizing it was the man I had once loved? Could he saw me and recognized me? Would he even try to come and talk to me? Did he even cared?

“Hello, Earth to Bella. Where did you go just now Bella” my sister asked, annoyed that I wasn´t paying attention to her. But she wouldn´t understand, I mean, how could she? My life with Edward always had been a secret, I never mentioned him to my family, always freeing that talking about him would jinx our relationship, and when we broke up it hurt too much to talk about it. I remember my shock when I first heard him on the radio, I was back at Phoenix for the summer and my family never understood why I started crying after listening to him singing. They would never know that I was the girl that he was singing all those songs about, I was the one that broke his heart, I was his pain.

But not anymore, now he would build a life with someone that was not me, someone that was worth of him and could make him happy. The thought of them together, getting married, having kids and having a perfect life made my stomach hurt and soon I was fighting to keep still what was left inside my stomach.

“I am sorry, I had been feeling kind of bad all day. I think I just may had a bug or something”  I said to her, feeling sick.

“God, I can´t believe you are sick now of all the times. I mean, I can´t get sick, this is a chance of a lifetime.” She said to me, suddenly not caring about if I was sick, but worried if it was anything contagious.

“Don´t worry, it´s probably PMS or something, I think it’s better if I go” I said to her, just wanting to crawl on my bed and never leave .

“Thank God, I mean, I am worried about you. But the last thing I need it´s to get the flu or something” she said, in a way that made me wonder what the hell was wrong with her, but that was just the way she was.

“ Don´t worry, you will be ok and I know your interview will be a success” I said, before taking a twenty bill and leaving on the table, grabbing my purse and briefcase and getting up from the chair.

“ I hope so, hum I will call you after it ok” she said with a small smile.

“I better go, Matt must be worried” I lied, not wanting to stay another minute hearing about Edward Masen and his amazing life.

“Do you need a ride” she asked me, and I knew that the last thing she wanted was to leave the bar and take me home, I was pretty sure that she was about to call her boyfriend to a night out. My sister loved the nightlife and that was ok, it was just not something that I enjoyed.

“I am going to grab a cab, but thanks” .

I left, walking as quick out of the bar and down to the busy street, that was filled with heavy traffic. I soon found myself inside a cab, on a long ride to my house, one that I desperately needed to be over.

**

I was barely conscious of my actions after the cab left me home, I was on autopilot, I turned on the lights, opened the door for Max to go to the backyard and put him new water and some dog food.

My head was pounding, so I took an Advil and grabbed a cup of grape juice to help it down, my previous hunger long gone by now. I slowly walked up the stairs, very glad to be alone, I don´t know how I would be able to explain to my boyfriend that I was crushed inside to find out that my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, the man that had broken me more than ten years ago, was getting married and that I was falling apart over it.

I reached my bedroom, took off my heels and walked straight to the bathroom. I striped as fast as I could and soon I was deep inside the hot steam shower. I let the hot water wash away all the tears that I had been holding – I cried for me, I cried for Edward and for the life that we could had had together – I cried for the house that we didn´t bought together, for the children that we didn´t had, for the love story that had ended way too soon. I cried for the man that I still loved, the man that I would love for the rest of my life, and I cried for not being able to let this love die.

I felt ridiculous for being affected this way, I was an adult, in a serious relationship for the past five years with a wonderful man, and yet at the first mention of Edward moving on with his life I cried like a baby. I know I was being an hypocrite, but yet he was the one that had been parading countless women over the years, and after almost five years of pain and solitude , I just couldn´t take anymore. But even after that, I still couldn´t picture myself being someone wife if not of Edward Cullen.

I don´t know how long I stood there, just letting my mind going over him, but when the water started to get cold I knew it was time for me to leave the shower. I dried myself and put my comfy CK pajamas, which were nothing but a white tank and small shorts. It was past nine pm and I knew that Matt probably would stay late with his pals, so I decided to do something I hadn´t done in a long time.

I went to my closet and under a pile of blankets and some winter clothes, there it stood a small square wood box, one that was covered in durst for being put at side for way to long. I grabbed it and took to my bed with me, it was locked, so I grabbed the key to open it that was in one of my jewelry boxes over my dresser.

I sat on the bed and took a deep breath. I usually tried to stay away from those memories, they were still too painful for me to bare, and they always made me question all the choices that I had done at the time. I slowly opened the box, and there were the only items left from a very painful past. An grey The Clash old t-shirt that belonged to Edward, for the first year it held his aftershave smell, but after ten years it had lost its manly earth fragrance; some photos of the time that we dated, from posed pictures, to candid shots, to us kissing and even Edward helping me out at the library once. There was also the first picture of Edward that I saw on a magazine after he release his first album, his transformation had started at the time, he was filled with tattoos and a bad attitude. There were also all his five CDs that he had release for the past ten years, all still wrapped and untouched, just another memory of a man that I no longer knew. In the deep of the box were some random notes he had left me, some letters and even a small song he had written to me for my birthday. But the most precious of all my positions, my fondest memory, was in a small box.

I grabbed the small velvet box, staring at it, wondering how could my life had taken this course. I slowly opened it, and took the small band out of its case, holding my breath to look at it. It was a lovely ring, a promise ring, it was made of sterlight silver  with a small 1/20 carat diamond on the middle. It was dedicated, with small details on the sides and it fit perfectly. Edward had worked extra shifts at Clint´s to pay for it, and at the time I was thinking that he was saving for a new guitar, but I was wrong – he gave it to me one month before he left for LA, before he got discovered, before all things fell out of place.

I took the ring and put it on my ring finger on my left hand, and  it still fit perfectly, the small diamond creating rainbows on the lamps lights. I loved that ring, I loved then, and I loved now. Edward new exactly what was my taste, not much, not common and not too extravagant. But the same ring that brought me such joy, was a painful reminder of the promises that were broken, and the ones that he had made to another woman.

I couldn´t help myself, I had to know exactly what had happened, so I took my Mac and sat on my bed, with Max by my side, and for the first time in years I Googled him. There were more than 100.000 links for sites about him, but most gossip websites were talking about his engagement.

# I clicked on the first link that was of TMZ site, and it took me to a couple of photos of Edward and Megan Hays, as well her amazing engagement ring. They were both looking amazing – he, with designer jeans, dark graphic t-shirt and a deep blue tuxedo style blazer and she with an amazing _Diane Von Furstenberg_ bright pink and golden pleated silk-chiffon dress _, with Giuseppe Zanotti_ suede sandals with golded leaves and golden _Lavin_ jewellery. But what caught mine, and the entire world attention, was her gorgeous engagement ring – a breathtaking Tiffany & Co platinum and diamond engagement ring , it was an vintage piece in Art Deco style. The crown jewel of the ring was a 1.65 carat old European cut Diamond, the head and shoulders of the platinum ring were adorned in filigree work and mil-graining accented with eighteen additional single cut diamonds . It was perfection, it was classy and gorgeous, in a non over the place kind of ring. If I would have to pick my perfect engagement ring it would be it.

 

But that ring would never be mine, just like that man never would, and on the middle of countless pictures of the both of them posing on the red carpet together, I finally found a link of his performance. I clicked on it, opening the video and stunned to listen to his voice all over again.

The lights shinned on him, the award stage was still the same, and there he stood only with his acoustic guitar.  The moment he started to sing, the whole stage was lighten and his band appeared on the back. He was magnificent.

 

**_No Such Thing_ **

_"Welcome to the real world"_  
she said to me condescendingly  
"Take a seat, take your life  
Plot it out in black and white"  
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings  
And the drama queens  
I'd like to think the best of me  
Is still hiding up my sleeve  
  
They love to tell you "stay inside the lines"  
But something's better on the other side  
  
I want to run through the halls of my high school  
I want to scream at the top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
just a lie you've got to rise above  
  
So the good boys and girls take the so-called right track  
Faded white hats grabbing credits, maybe transfers  
They read all the books but they can't find the answers  
All of our parents, they're getting older  
I wonder if they've wished for anything better  
While in their memories, tiny tragedies  
  
They love to tell you "stay inside the lines"  
But something's better on the other side  
  
I want to run through the halls of my high school  
I want to scream at the top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
Just a lie you've got to rise above  
  
I am invincible  
I am invincible  
I am invincible  
As long as I'm alive  
  
I want to run through the halls of my high school  
I want to scream at the top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
just a lie you've got to rise above  
  
I just can't wait for my ten year reunion  
I'm gonna bust down the double doors  
And when I stand on these tables before you  
You will know what all this time was for

The crowd went wild, people were dancing and moving their hands on the fast beat of the song, fans were screaming and he was moving his body over the stage with the guitar .  His eyes were closed and he had a content smile on his lips.

It was the first time he had performed live for the past two years and he was just as good as before. Edward always knew how to please the crowds, how to make people insane with his performances, he was a an true concert god. He looked amazing, his strong tattooed arms were showing through his dark t-shirt, his hair was longer than I remember and his voice made me instantly wet. It was one of his many gifts and one of the many reasons I did try to avoid to watch him play. I could bare to listen to his songs, but to see his face of pure pleasure while he held that guitar and his velvet voice running over my skin, it was too much.

But as soon as the performance was over, people clapped and he seemed so happy, and then his fiancé appeared on the stage caring him an award, the silver moon man, to give it to him. He had received an award for that song that he was performing, that apparently already had hit the Billboard even through just as a single.

Then he kissed her pink lips while accepting the award and told how much he loved her, and that he wouldn´t be back at the stage if wasn´t for her. He thanked his fans for their support and constant love, and said that he was back for good.

They left the stage together, holding hands, taking my broken heart with them.

That was the night that I realized just how much I still loved Edward Masen Cullen, and how I would suffer for the rest of my life for losing the man I still loved.

**


	8. Back To You

**EPOV**

My phone kept ringing for the past hour, the ringtone for strange numbers – _Radioactive_ from _Imagine Dragons_ – playing like there was no tomorrow;  it has been this way for the past week, since my attendance to MTV Music Awards. Ok, maybe me and Meg had not actually thought what would happened once we announce our engagement like that, but the last thing I wanted was to sell the story to the tabloids. I didn´t want to be paid to tell how I decided to propose to my fiancée, I just wouldn´t cheap what we had like that.

I grab my phone, only to silence it, looking and seeing I had more than 30 missed calls. How all those people could get my number I had no idea, normally my PA Emily would handle those kind of things for me, together with my publicist Maggie, but Emily was sick and Maggie was back at LA trying to calm things down, so I had been on my own for the past couple of days.

My house phone started ringing one more time, and even if it could be my own mother, I decided to ignore it. I looked over the fridge, finding it without any of the goods I was expecting to have, I guess that I should had listen to Alistair, my personal chef, when he said I should had hired someone to cover his vacation. Now I was left only with beer, orange juice, a few eggs and cold leftover pizza from last night dinner. I went to look for the coffee pot, only to find it empty also. I guess that should mean I needed shopping, fucking great, all that I needed right now.

Feeling hungry and annoyed, I decided to check on my email to see if Megan had wrote me. She had left a few days after our last public appearance and was on cold Russia shooting some scenes of her last project before our wedding. Because of the time difference and long set hours we didn´t had much time to Skype, so we were left to stay in touch through long emails. I was disappointed to realize that I had no reply from the last email I send her, when my Skype started to ring for a new video chat. I accepted the call, only to find my annoying and very angry manager Liam McGill.

“How is my favorite ginger on this lovely morning” I said to him, watching his green eyes burning angrily, he was taking deep long breaths, probably trying to calm down his constant angry state.

“Cullen, is there a particularly reason why you are not picking your phone today” he asked with frustration.

“ Just the usual, the crazy American media trying to ruin my personal life” I said with sarcasm.

“I had been calling your cell and your home since last night, do you have no idea the mess you created last week with your little stunt” he asked.

“It wasn´t a stunt, everyone does it this days, Beyonce announced her pregnancy the same way a few years ago” I said to him. At the time it felt like the right thing to do, we had been engaged for months now, but we were trying to keep a secret for as long we could. But now it looked like we wanted to create more press for us, which was actually the opposite, we just wanted to get over with it and move on with our lives.

“I asked you one million times to do an exclusive with Peoples Magazine, but off course you wouldn´t bulge” he said annoyed.

“You know me and Meg don´t want to exploit our relationship” I said to him. We both knew how much celebrity’s relationships were a big thing for the tabloids. In the pass I had my share of front covers, but I was a changed man, I was ready to settle down and be a good boy.

“Fine, but you could had a least warned me about it! Do you have no idea how much grieve you caused to Maggie on the past week, I swear she aged a decade” he said , mentioning his wife and my publicist.

“Is not my fault if you are not getting laid those days” I said laughing at his mad face.

“Edward, I love you like my own brother, but you are as dumb as Jimmy. Things won´t get any better till you at least give a statement about it” he said to me.

“Fine, give one saying that we are happy and ask for them to respect our privacy” I said with a shrug.

“Really? You think this will be enough? They will stalk you and Megan till they can get more pictures of her engagement ring; get intel of were the wedding will be, when it will be, and even which designer will make her wedding dress. You are not a boy from New Hampshire anymore Edward. This is Hollywood and that’s how things work out in here.” He shouted at me, something he rarely did, so I guess that things were worse than I expected.

“I am in Seattle, not Hollywood! I have all the right in the world to have some privacy” I shouted at him, frustrate grabbing my hair – a bad habit I got over the years.

“You lost that right when you left that dirty little pub that you used to work and signed a record deal” he shouted back.

“What do you want me to do Liam? I won´t give an interview to those tabloids about my life, the same life they try to ruin every week so they can sell more magazines” I said to him.

“How about a real magazine? One that will focus more on your career then on your personal life” he proposed.

“I am listening” I said.

“ The editor of _Vanity Fair_ wanted to try to set you up with something since he heard you were coming back after your hiatus. I think it would be a better angle to balance all this mess you created. After all you do have a new record coming up, let’s try to get the media more focused to that and less in who you are sleeping with ” he said, making a point, I always could veto the questions I didn´t feel comfortable enough to answer.

“Fine, but under my conditions. I want a local reporter, I don´t want to have to go to Los Angeles or New York  to answer questions. I will do it on my place, and the reporter will have to sign an NDA over my apartment location, the last thing I need is a bunch of paparazzi trying to take pictures of me while I go buy milk or some shit like that. And also I can veto certain questions. Besides that, I can be an open book” I said, making Liam look really happy.

“ Thank you Cullen, you will make my life so much easier” he said with a sign.

“Yeah, be happy that I like you so much Ginger. You know how much I hate doing those interviews” I said to him.

“Just next time you get engaged, try to warn me before you go to the press” he said with a smirk.

“There won´t be a next time” I tell him.  


“This is Hollywood kid, anything can happen” he says, before leaving me to wonder about my choices.

**

I sat at my living room velvet cream couch, staring at the emptiness, while   _Stevie Ray Vaughan_ kept playing on his guitar, making love with the strings, the melody flowing throw me in a warm caress. He was the reason I wanted to learn to play the guitar, he was the reason why I never gave up my dream about being a musician, and till this day he was a major inspiration in my life and in my work.

I looked at the awards perfectly aligned on my glass and steel shelf’s, in the past ten years I had won seven Grammies for different songs and albums, five  MTV Music Awards for best song and best video clip, and I had also won an award for best guitarist of the decade. Yes, fame did come with a price that sometimes I wondered if it was too high to pay, but when I look at this shelf while my idol play in the background, I can´t stop being grateful for the life that I had.

Yet I wondered how my life would be if I had said no when Jasper had found me ten years ago, what would had happened to me? Would I still chase success or would I be happy with weekends at Clint´s? Would I had now a wife and a kid? Maybe a dog. Would I had married Bella like I planned at the time, and now would had green eyes and brown haired babies? Would I feel content no matter if the world would never know my music? Would I be happy? Would she?

Once again I was left alone to wonder about Isabella Swan – what had happened to the girl that had once owned my heart and soul?

Did she graduated with honors like I knew she one day would? Had she wrote a book like she always said she would? Did she still had waist long curly hair and still smelled like jasmines and summer rain? Did she had her own family?

The thought that she could had moved on and had her happy ending with another men brought a knot in my stomach, and at the same time a deep shame, after all who was I to hope she had stayed alone after all those years. I admit I did try finding about her online more than once, but never found anything more than public records and some PhD theses. I mean, who the hell does not have a Facebook page those days?

She was beautiful and intelligent, fun and serious, she was focused and very determinate in getting what she wanted. It was the things that first draw me to her, besides her being gorgeous of course, but I wondered if she had stayed the same after so long had passed, I mean I had deeply changed and I wondered if she had too.

I wondered if she still held the memory of us as close to her heart as I did, and if she ever heard me sing, if she ever cared to stop and actually listen to what I had written. I wondered if she knew that I had moved on, and that I was ready to give my name to someone that was not her. Did she even cared? And more important, why still did I?

**

“ Ok, this is ridiculous” I heard from the foyer.

“God, why do you do this to me” I whispered to myself, closing my eyes, not wanting to deal with my annoying pixie of a sister.

“Edward, really? What the hell had you done to this place” she asks me, while looking at my guitar on the couch and many smashed pieces of paper throw over the floor, my notebook opened and I sat on the floor around the mess.

“ I am writing, as you can see” I said to her, while finishing writing a chorus for a song that I had started working on a few hours before. I was in a creativity flow and I could not stop, or the ideas would fly away.

“I can see that, I bet Meg would love to see her living room like that” she said with sarcasm, her hands on her hips.

“I honestly think she wouldn´t care” I lied, Meg would had my ass if she saw me using her expensive couch as a support for my guitar. That’s why we had converted one of the bedrooms in a studio, but I just couldn’t stop myself, the temptations of just laying low in the living room and create something was too much. It was a rare and nice change, besides the view from this side of the bay was too good to pass.

“And what happened to your kitchen? Is this all you had eaten lately” she asks, mentioning the empty pizza box.

“You know how much I hate going shopping” I said to her, trying to get the new melody right.

“Then ask Emily to do it for you” she says to me.

“Can´t, Emily is sick” I simply say.

“Really Edward? So you had been living of left over for how many days” she says when she goes look for the garbage can. Fuck I did forgot to take the trash out again.

“No maid this week also I can see” she points out for the dirty pile of laundry also.

“ I gave the week off to Irina also, she works way too much” I said to her, mentioning my Russian maid, that had moved here with her family back at the 80s .

“So basically you had been alone, hiding in your ivory tower, like the good hermit that you are since Megan went to shoot in Russia ” she said with a smirk.

“And your point is” I asked annoyed. She always did this, always complaining that I never went out to see the world, but unlike her, that even through was dressed to kill in very expensive and  flashy garments, she could still go unknown by the crowd. While I would be recognized and stalked in less than two minutes. So why would I deliberately put myself out there like that?

“My point is that you can´t close yourself of the world like that. It’s not healthy, and it’s one of the reasons you moved to Seattle, remember” she says, pointing to my depressive phase right when I had discovered my granuloma and any treatment back at LA seemed to work it out. I didn´t leave my apartment for almost three months at the time.

“Fine, but you know that I hate big crows” I say to her, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Edward, you are a musician, you have played for more than eight thousand people once, you don´t have fear of crowds” she said frustrated, and maybe she did had a point, but one thing was to be around so many people when I was at the stage making my music, other things is to be harassed when I went to buy toilet paper.

“ I just don´t want to bring the paparazzi’s and the craziness that was my life back, like when I lived in LA; I like it here, I like my peace and quiet, and the anonymity that I had so far” I explained to her, putting my notebook back at the coffee table, my inspiration to finish this song long gone.

“Trust me, you can mix in the crowds if you want, just cover that mass of crazy hair that you have, and we are all good” she says with a smile, like if that was that simple.

“You are not letting this go, are you” I asked here with a sigh.

“Nope” she says with a wicked smile.

“Fine your annoying pixie, sometimes I wonder why I asked for a little sister” I say, getting up on the floor, only to receive a finger from Alice.

“Love you too dear brother. Now get up of your ass and go change, no one should ever wear sweats this much” she says with disgust, while I leave for my closet to work it out on how to hide my identity today.

**

I wanted to drove us with my Audi R8 to somewhere I knew it was closer and private, where we could have lunch at peace, and enjoy it. But being the mingle pixie that my sister was, she decided we should take her silver BMW GmbH and drive to a place of her choosing. That only made me feel uncomfortable, because now I knew that I would had to endure whatever Alice had planned for us, with no escape route.

She drove us from my place at Pike St on downtown Seattle to Lake Union, to Daniel’s Broiler, a restaurant with an amazing view to the lake and an awesome stake - which I deeply appreciated eating, since I was living with a vegetarian, my days of eating meat were very rare -  it was better than I expected, the conversation flew and it was nice to relax and enjoy my sister company. I couldn´t stop looking to my phone to check my emails, wondering if something had happened to Megan to be MIA.

After lunch, Alice started acting all weird, and demanding that she needed a caffeine fix so we stopped on the closest Starbucks on next to East Olive Way, close to the Cal Anderson Park. We parked in front of the red brick building, and to my deep joy wasn´t as filled with people like I feared. So I put my beanie back at its place, covering my mess of hair, and put my Ray-Bans back on. Alice assured me that it was enough so that people wouldn´t recognize me so easily.

Today I had dressed in a way that I hoped wouldn’t attract too much attention, with dark blue jeans, boats and a simple plaid red and blue shirt. It was really hot in the afternoon so I was relieved when I felt the cold air inside of the store. This Starbucks was like many that I had saw, dark wood interior, deep green details, an lounge to sit and enjoy your beverages on the right side of the ordering counter, a few tables and chairs on each side of the store and the classic smell of fresh brewed coffee. This one also had a porch on the outside filled with chairs and tables with  big beaches umbrellas on top of it, so you could enjoy the sun and the fresh air.

Alice and I went to the line and ordered our drinks, but to my big surprised  she ordered a huge Iced Green Tea Latte instead of her classic White Mocha. I ordered an Iced Americano and we sat on two small arms chairs at the back of the store, while drinking our tasty drinks.

“I thought you were dying to get your coffee fix” I said to her.

“I am, but the doctor said I need to lay down on coffee for a while” she said with a shrug.

“Guess that all that energy finally got too much then” I said with a smirk, since she was always known to be a super energetic bunny.

“Don´t be silly, the doctor said that it may help me conceive faster” she said in a low tone.

“I know you and Jazz really want to get pregnant, but maybe is not the right time” I said, trying to console her.

“Edward, I gave up my entire life in Los Angeles to have this baby! I gave up movie contracts, clothing lines and even a reality TV show. We had been trying for almost two years, I just don´t get why is not working” she said with a sigh.

“Maybe you are trying too hard and putting too much pressure on you and Jasper. As far as I remember baby making should be fun” I said, making her laugh a little bit.

“Yeah I guess, those days we are all about ovulation period and my uterus temperature” she said , the frustration and sadness clear on her tone, but I knew that pretty soon I would have a little nice or nephew running around; they just needed to relax and let nature run its own course.

“ Yeah, well I am pretty sure that…” I started to say, focused on Alice´s but the scent of floral jasmine made me stop dead on my tracks. I looked to the front hall of the shop, shocked to see the same pair of brown eyes that had been hunting my dreams.

She was so familiar and yet totally strange to me; her waist long hair, that had small waves all over it, now was straight and shorter, just over her breasts. Her skin was still pale and her lips full, but now she wore makeup and high heels; she was laughing, and small wrinkles on the side of her eyes were forming, the marks of someone that had laughed and smiled a lot. She had aged, but it only made her look more beautiful – she had lost the last childish traces that I was used too – she looked fuller and firmer. Her hips were wilder and her breasts larger, she still had a small waist and perfect tin ankles.

She was a sight to sore eyes, my own Oasis in the middle on the desert, but she was no mirage. She was real, in flesh and bone, more graceful and elegant than before, with a self confidence that she didn´t possessed ten years ago. But more than this, it was the little girl with long dirt sandy hair and big blue eyes that brought me back to reality. She was holding Bella´s hand, and smiling at her, while holding with her other , the hand of a tall blond man. The little girl had the same hair color and eyes, and was clearly related to him. For one second I held down my breath, looking at the trio, acting like a happy family. Could it be true? The little girl seemed to be around seven years old, which meant that she would had been born around three years after Bella and I broke up, could she really had moved on so fast? Was that the reason why I never found anything about her online? Had she changed her last name and now was somebody’s wife? No, Bella wouldn´t just give up everything to have a baby, there was no way, she was too focused on her career for that. Maybe she was doing a favor to a friend – maybe the little girl was the child of one of her friends, or even the blond guy, maybe she was helping with babysitting. But all my hopes were crushed when he paid for the three drinks and softly kissed Bella on the lips.

The sight of another man touching my Bella almost made me throw up my lunch; to know that his lips tasted hers, to know that he lay down on bed with her every night and made love to her, it was too much to me.

 I avoid my eyes from the happy trio, feeling the  heavy air around me, my chest was constricting, my stomach in knots, the pain was excruciating. She had moved on, she was happy, she had a family. She had forgot all about me.

I mean, why wouldn´t she? She was an amazing, smart and gorgeous woman; her mind was just as attractive as her body, her smile used to bright an entire room, her voice used to calm down my heavy heart. I knew that she was the woman that I wanted to be forever, the perfect match for all my madness, the one that truly understood me and completed me. She was my everything, till the day she decided she had enough and that we both should move on with our life’s, that we wanted different things and we would never work. I will never forget her saying that she was holding me back. But couldn´t her see that she was the reason that I had tried after all? Even now, more than a decade later, she still was my Muse.

I watched with teary eyes behind my dark sunglasses, as she ran her hands softly over the man’s back, laughing at something that the little girl was saying. They took their drinks, as Bella lead the child out of the store, while the man had his hand on the small of her back.

I stood there, staring at the point that they had been not many minutes ago, still recovering to know that Isabella Swan was living in Seattle, but not only that, that she was happy without me. She had moved on, and she probably barely remembered me, a distant memory of her early college days.

Fuck I was being an idiot, and not only that, a hypocrite – not days ago I had announced to the entire world I would soon marry another woman, and yet here I was, filled with jealousy and sadness, that she had done the same thing. I had no right, too much time had passed and too much had happened, I should had guess that a woman that amazing wouldn´t had stayed single for long.

“Edward, God you are scaring me” Alice said, shanking me with all her strength, bringing me back to reality.

“Fuck Ally” I said lowly, not wanting to draw too much attention to us.

“Where the hell had you gone? I had been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes, and you were all catatonic on me” she said, the fear clear on her voice.

“I just got lost in thought, that’s all” I lied to her.

“Then why are you pale as a ghost? What is going on Edward” she asked with worry.

“I just realized that sometimes things don’t go as planned, and sometimes dreams get lost in the process to become who you are” I whispered, trying to process all those chaotic emotions going through me.

“You are making any sense honey” she said, holding my hand, trying to calm me down.

“I think I need to go home” I whispered, the image of another man’s lips on Bella’s burned on my mind.

“Ok, I will take you home. Come on” she said, getting up from her arm chair and leading me out of the cafe.

**

Alice left a few minutes after bringing me back home, after demanding explanations that I knew I couldn’t give, so I made some excuse about not feeling to well after living of fast food for the past week. She asked me to go stay with her and Jasper if I wasn´t feeling so good, but I politely declined. The last thing I wanted was to be around a happy couple.

I tried to call Megan one more time and left more texts, and after a frustrated attempt of a Skype call, I receive a response of her PA Kate telling me that weather wasn´t so good and they had a tight schedule on shooting. How fucking great, now my own fiancé didn´t have time to talk to me? And better yet, she asked her PA to do her dirty job instead of picking the dam phone to tell me it herself. Fucking fabulous.

Feeling even more frustrated and angry I decided that I should try to take a shower to cool off, maybe even jack it off to lose some steam, yeah that would be a good idea. I moved quickly to my bathroom, stripping my clothes and then turning on the steamy shower.

The water felt good on my skin, burning hot, my muscles aching of the tension that had been building. I soaped myself, while letting the water wash my hair and then leathered my hands, slowly moving them to my aching cock. I took it firmly on my right hand, my left hand supporting my weight against the tile wall, using the soap as a lubricant, moving my hand from the tip to the base slowly. I was building a nice rhythm, thinking about the last time I had fucked Meg before she left to Moscow, it had been hard and fast, she had cum like mad all over my dick. But when I was finally getting close to my climax, blue eyes turned in chocolate brown, and blond hair into brunet locks. I couldn´t stop the image on Bella on her knees in front of me in the shower, her lips full and painted red, tightly wrapped on my cock. She would suck me hard, her tongue touching the side of my dick, while she went deep throat on me. I would come on her mouth and she would swallowed all my cum. That image was burned on my mind while my cum went down the shower wall, with my eyes closes and her name on my lips.

Feeling dirty from masturbating thinking about someone else wife and mother, my mood got even worse that was before, so I toweled myself and dressed quickly in a clean pair of sleep pants. I poured myself a shot of Scotch, and drank it quickly, liking the burning taste and the numbness it brought me. I poured another and sat on the couch, sipping it slowly, enjoying the flavor of the twelve year Scotch.

I felt confused, sad, angry, and desolated; more than anything I felt loonier than I had ever felt. In this enormous apartment, the silence was maddening, and for the first time in a long time I felt like crying. But instead I saw my guitar on the white couch next to me, and grabbed it, the weight of it , felt sense and familiar, giving me a sense of balance that I desperately needed right now.

I moved my hands over the arm of the guitar, playing with the sounds that it made, till a soft melody was formed. And yet while my fingers moved of the steel strings, I couldn´t stop thinking about Bella, those days everything kept going back to her, it was like the Universe wanted to punish me for all the mistakes that I had done.

Everything kept going back to her. Fuck why couldn´t I just get over her? She clearly had no problem doing it. This thought alone brought me the feeling, the instinct that I had something there, that this idea couldn´t get lost in thin air.

I quickly grabbed my old leather notebook and opened in a black page. I took the pen that was attached to it, and quickly set the sentence ‘ _Back to you, I always come back to you’._ I repeated the melody on my guitar, changing and adding new chords on it, and soon I had a chorus.

That’s was the day that _“Back To You”_ was born and the day that all that I thought I wanted, that I loved, was destroyed. That was the day that I fell in love with Isabella Swan all over again.

**_Back To You_ **

_Back to you_ __  
It always comes around  
Back to you  
I tried to forget you  
I tried to stay away  
But it's too late  
  
Over you  
I'm never over  
Over you  
Something about you  
It's just the way you move  
The way you move me  
  
I'm so good at forgetting  
And I quit every game I've played  
But forgive me love  
I can't turn and walk away  
This way  
  
Back to you  
It always comes around  
Back to you  
I walk with your shadow  
I'm sleeping in my bed  
With your silhouette  
  
Should have smiled in that picture  
If it's the last that I'll see of you  
It's the least that you could not do  
  
Oh I will  
Leave the light on  
I'll never give up on you  
Leave the light on  
For me too  
  
Back to me  
I know that it comes  
Back to me  
Doesn't it scare you  
Your will is not as strong  
As it used to be

_**_


End file.
